She Belongs to the World
by secretxsoul
Summary: Follows FemShep throughout parts of her journey, struggles with the council, struggles with the reapers, struggles with finding love where it doesn't want to be found. Dealing with loss, finding your way, pushing through the darkest moments of your life, and being okay with yourself and what you've done. -Jumps around quite a bit and my own take on some situations that occurred.
1. Chapter 1

The shuttle bounced and jostled as it hit a particularly strong patch of turbulence in the air as it took off and the tiny pitter pattering sounds they heard as sand rained against the shuttle's metal hull brought back memories for Shepard. Tuchanka really did remind her of the desert on her homeworld Earth. Sandy, windy, hot, and dry with the sun blazing hot, maybe less thresher maws and Krogans. A feeling of nostalgia settled in her stomach and refused to leave even as she vacated the planet and headed towards the Normandy with her ground team and pilot.

She sat there in the dark corner of the shuttle silently looking down at the floor in what seemed to be dejection. Blood, dirt, and dust smeared her face and splattered her armor, she smelled like smoke, gun oil, and burning flesh. Her hair was in a disarray and yet she was tense as if she was still in the middle of a firefight, her bloody hands were clasped together, elbows resting on her thighs, chin atop her hands and face dark as her emotionless eyes peered out into space. Not looking at anyone or anything, it was as if she was somewhere far away. Alone.

Shadows surrounded her and no one could deny that the heavy tension was a little difficult to bear especially when Shepard was the one brooding. The shuttle bounced and shook the passengers inside when a transmission from Joker came in talking about the mission details and asking questions. When informed about the lieutenant's death, he didn't say anything else but, 'understood commander, Joker out.' his previous enthusiasm dying and cut the line quickly before he could make an even bigger ass out of himself without realizing it.

"You can spend your whole life making up for your mistakes." James looked at the silent brooding commander "At least the guy went out in a blaze of glory." James said to Shepard as if it was any consolation. It was an admirable thing and yet the most difficult choice to make in a soldier's military career. Sacrificing your own life was the ultimate form of redemption not to mention the most useful weapon to produce the best results in a situation given the timing and the mission, that's why suicide bombers were so dangerous. Well, that and no one really talked shit about a soldier who died to make things right. It was all for a cause. A just and right cause that people believed in so strongly.

"We still talking about the primarch's son?" Shepard asked wearily remembering the stunt he pulled on Mars and looked at him through pain filled eyes. Every loss put a darker and deeper shadow on her face and there were times when her eyes were devoid of anything, especially when the talk of war came up as a serious discussion topic among the Normandy crew members. It was scary to catch a glimpse of her face then.

"Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere." he replied gently, his eyes softening. He knew what it was like to be in her position, the one to be left behind, the one to be thinking about all the things that went wrong, and the one to be thinking about what could have been done to save a life.

However, he also knew what it was like to be Victus. The 'trying to make things right no matter what' mindset. Victory at any cost. Exactly like what the turian had said before dropping himself and the trigger mechanism into the hole the moment before it erupted into a fiery blast.

Victory at any cost.

"I'm getting tired of seeing people die." she stood up to face him almost indignantly. The defiance in her face was strong and for someone who spent their whole life witnessing death there was nothing more striking than the sentiment that she seemed to embody.

"Liuetenant Victus fought for a cause he believed in." Javik spoke up, "A soldier can't ask for more than that. He died well." his tone softened at the end and by those words, everyone knew that the prothean meant well. It just didn't do anything to bring back Lieutenant Victus or erase the pain that was there.

"Nobody dies well." Shepard snapped,"I'm tired of saying otherwise." her face was hard and her demeanor was immovable. What Javik had said bothered her, she knew that he meant well and the prothean probably had a closer understanding of the military code and culture that turians learned and abided by than any other species he had encountered so far. But death was a tragedy, any amount of it was. No one could deny it and if they did, it was just petty lip service in honor of the deceased to artifically ease the pain of the ones left behind.

_Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere. _

Shepard had to supress a little smile as the words of her lieutenant replayed over in her mind as they all walked out of the shuttle and into the elevator to go to their respective cabins and wash off the blood, sweat, and grime that had accumulated on their bodies during the mission.

It had been a hell of a fire fight with Cerberus and all three people were eager to jump into the shower and scrub their skin with sweet smelling soap and have hot water ease their aching bodies.

_Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere_.

If anything, the words were reassuring and it was sweet of her lieutenant to think about her enough to say something like that. Times had been too heavy and dark for her and even a simple sentence like that could give her hope, dangerous as it was.

Garrus took one look at Shepard, Javik, and James as he stepped into the elevator with them. He had been with them in the shuttle helping Cortez and the ground team with communications with the 9th platoon on Tuchanka.

"Long day." Garrus spoke up in the elevator almost reminiscing the awkward talks they'd all had together when Saren was the only bad guy running around the galaxy. The 'good old days' as the veterans of the Normandy liked to call it.

James snorted,"I'll say." he leaned back against the wall behind him and let out a sigh crossing his arms.

"Well, rest up." Shepard took a step out of the elevator that had stopped at her cabin,"Because we have a lot more work to do." she gave a little salute to the grimacing trio and with a little smile, palmed the door of her cabin and walked inside undoing the buckles and clasps of her armor and shedding them like a skin on the floor.

Shepard stripped down to nothing in the shower and pressed a button on a long metal panel after tossing her dirty clothes down a laundry chute. A moment later, a shower of hot water rained down on her and she sighed a little in content before proceeding to scrub herself of all the blood that had manged to coat her hands in a sticky darkening mess of reddish brown.

If she didn't know any better, it was like her second skin. She paused for a moment letting that thought sink in and just stared at her hands before she scrubbed them with renewed vigor hoping to get it all off.

At least it wasn't her blood.

When she stepped out of the shower feeling refreshed and clean, Shepard stepped towards her desk while towel drying her hair dressed in nothing but a pair of black shorts and tank top. Her desk was a mess of datapads, model ship parts, shotgun mods, and parts of her hardsuit that she hadn't gotten around to fixing quite yet. The chessboard that Aria had sent her after retaking Omega was set aside on the edge of her desk. She had laughed when she saw it, leave it to Aria to give her a trophy.

"Guess I gotta clean that up." she muttered to herself as she reached over to her desk and try to straighten out the datapads threatening to spill over onto the floor.

_Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere. _

His words replayed over and over in her head.

If only those words could be true, she thought to herself as her hand fell to her side, the datapads forgotten. But she had lost so many people already, people who had promised to see her through the war, people who had promised to have her back. All those sacrifices to keep her living, to keep other people living, to accomplish some petty mission just to reach a greater objective.

They were all gone.

Her hands suddenly balled up into tight fists. She wasn't good enough.

She would have to work harder, she would have to be better, she would have to sacrifice more of herself to prevent anymore losses.

Whatever she could do to ease the deep ache of loss that seemed to radiate from inside of her.

She still wasn't good enough.


	2. Chapter 2

The first time he saw her, it was on the big screen. Watching the council live vids streaming on the extranet with everyone else.

**_Jane Shepard: First Human Spectre_**

He didn't know what he had been expecting but it had definitely been a surprise to him back then when he first heard the news. A human spectre. A female one at that, not that he had a problem with that. He had just been surprised, that's all. No one really knew much about her before being nominated for the spectre position, people only seemed to know about what she had accomplished which had been big news back in the day, especially when she emerged as the lone survivor on Akuze.

Besides that, she had been hidden behind a colossal wall of mystery and no one seemed to be able to breach it. Partly because she had always been off doing the impossible with her own crew and also partly because she seemed to shy away from publicity preferring to focus on her missions instead of the fame.

And as time had passed by after taking down Saren, the legend of Shepard only grew more widespread in the galaxy. Her feats had been repeated and passed on from soldier to soldier and pretty soon, she had become a celebrity that James had (in a way) looked up to for motivation (although he would never admit it to anyone).

It was even stranger how circumstances brought him aboard her ship under her leadership. He had been the one ordered to keep Shepard under surveillance for a time when she had been grounded on earth. Albeit he had been a little forced given the circumstances. But he was still honored as any soldier would be.

Vega hunched over his work table trying to fix an assault rifle mod that had broken when he had chucked it at Esteban's head by accident trying to hit Javik with it. The Prothean had a special way of getting under his skin with his snarky comments about primitives and airlocks.

He had to wonder how Shepard dealt with it all. The reaper war, the crew, the peace treaties she had to broker between feuding species, and the council...oh, he could go on about the council just like everyone else, but no one had more to say than Shepard who amazingly kept all complaints to herself.

"How's fixing that mod coming along?" Esteban's voice was smug as he called out to James from his corner in the shuttle bay. He was reworking something on the shuttle he used to pilot Shepard around for ground missions. Lately it had been making strange noises, a sure sign that something wasn't right.

"Your head must be invincible." James called back,"You ever think of using it against the Reapers? I'm sure we'd win this war in no time." he jiggled a screw in frustration and then just threw the mod down with a sigh. Something in there was messed up but no what he did it wouldn't work. Maybe he'd ask Garrus for help.

"Ha ha very funny Mr. Vega." Esteban's voice was heavy with sarcasm as he slipped underneath the shuttle with his tool box.

"I try." James called back as he rifled through the spare parts on his table instead of trying to fix the broken mod to put together another mod when he heard the elevator doors open with a beep and hiss.

Solid footsteps steadily made their way towards him and he instinctively knew who it was,"What's up Lola?" he didn't look up from what he was doing but he knew that she had taken a seat on one of the cargo boxes near his work table.

"Just wanted you to know that you're on a ground mission that's taking place tomorrow." Shepard watched him with a slight smirk on her face and a knowing look in her eyes,"So I heard about what happened down here lieutenant." she was struggling not to let out a laugh.

James froze for a brief moment and glared at the screwdriver in his hand vowing silently to exact revenge on whoever's big mouth it was that had to casually inform the commander of the incident. Not that he was surprised, the crew on the Normandy was a tight group and anything that happened on the ship would be known by the whole crew within the hour. It's like there was no such thing as privacy.

"Uh yeah." he tried to play it off cool,"Just a regular old fashioned disagreement between two species." he pretended to focus on the parts he was holding hoping that Lola would ask about something else and not pursue the topic.

"You know the last time I checked in with 'disagreements between two species', the genophage happened and so did the Contact War. Don't even get me started with the Quarians and Geth." she rolled her eyes, they had been the cause of most of her headaches in the past, the present and the sure future. She loved Tali and Legion was a good geth but there were a lot of delicate issues that needed to be sorted out and it was even more difficult when she was surrounded by hot-headed Quarian admirals,"You aren't going to go around trying to sterilize protheans or go around promoting mass extinction of a singular race or anything are you?" she joked.

"_Excuse _you Lola." James looked up from his tools and finally at his commander looking mightily offended,"The genophage was between _three_ species." he noticed that her hair was still wet and she was wearing a pair of faded black N7 sweats and a regular black t-shirt. She must have recently gotten out of the shower after the mission, he realized,"Well, you already blew the collector homeworld sky high and I doubt Javik is going to get anywhere with a lady with that attitude." he grinned.

Shepard waved a hand in the air with a laugh,"Details." she crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him,"Still calling me Lola?" he couldn't deny that he felt a little prick of happiness at the fond smile on her face.

"Of course." James shrugged,"Once I give a nickname, they stick." It was easier to remember people with the nicknames he gave them and also he wouldn't embarrass himself trying to pronounce alien names correctly, you know, if they were too difficult. Which had happened once or twice a few years ago when he had the burden of integrating a Batarian survivor into his team.

Shepard opened her mouth to say something when Joker interrupted.

"Um commander, you have a message from the council?" his voice sounded a little stressed over the ship intercom and he posed the statement like a question. Everyone knew how volatile the subject of the council was to Shepard. She wasn't one to let emotions get the best of her but when it to came to the council, it was just the way that they shoved their unwilling and skeptical attitudes into her face when it came to the reapers...she just had a hard time keeping up a professional stance sometimes.

She grimaced and sighed heavily while pinching her nose bridge,"Alright, I'll be up there soon." she replied to him with a sigh and stood up from her seat almost unwillingly.

"Goodluck Lola." James nodded at her. At the mention of the council, her face turned dark and for a moment he had been grateful that he had not been the cause of it. He actually hoped that he would never cause the dark look on her face that made an appearance in dire situations, it could be scarier than being shot by a reaper.

She nodded back with a tight smile and jogged towards the elevator without another word unaware that James watched her until she disappeared from sight.

Sometimes, he still couldn't believe that he was serving on the Normandy. It felt unreal to him at times.

James turned back to the mod and inspected it carefully trying to discover where the flaw was so that he could fix it. Maybe.

He also couldn't believe how human Shepard was. It was a given of course, it's just that when a person such as her was glorified and talked about all the time, her personality was lost among her feats, her humanness dissolved within the hype, and in the end she was nothing but what she accomplished. Just another war hero.

He had to be the best. If he wanted to be an asset, if he wanted to help, then he had to fight like never before.

Whatever it took to be part of the team.


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard stormed out of the comms room leaving confused and scared soldiers in her wake. The look on her face was anything but pleasant and her mood was even worse. Garrus tactfully didn't say anything and everyone...well, everyone just ran the opposite direction as she fumed her way towards the elevator.

"Let me guess." James took one look at Shepard's face as she stalked towards the punching bags set up in the corner of the shuttle bay and threw a good hard punch that seemed to be meant for a turian, salarian, asari, and a human named Udina,"The council." he dropped everything he was doing and sat down on some cargo boxes far enough away from her but close enough to talk.

"Isn't it always." she muttered darkly under her breath trying to bring her anger back under control and let her fists go wild,"The evidence is undeniable, the proof is concrete, the refugees are increasing and so are the casualties." she kicked the swinging bag with a solid thunk,"But they can't seem to think that cooperating with each other will work!" she turned to James silently asking if he wanted to spar with her.

He shook his head,"Sorry Lola. I'm not crazy enough to get my ass beaten to a pulp by you when you're pissed."

She frowned but turned back to her punching bag giving it a good thwack. The pain and strain felt good but she was just getting started, "They're all crying over spilled milk while a galaxy is about to be wiped out." she grunted as she swung her leg around and gave the bag a solid kick.

"Just forget them." James leaned back eyeing her, whatever went down in the comms room was beyond him but it was obvious that she had been holding in her anger for a while,"You did fine by yourself so far."

Cortez wasn't there, rather, he was in the mess hall with everyone else and so it was just James and Shepard alone in the shuttle bay.

Suddenly Shepard stopped punching the bag and turned to face the startled lieutenant as if snapping back to the present and realizing who she was talking and complaining to,"Yeah." she said absently rubbing her knuckles,"Of course. Sorry you had to see that lieutenant." she flashed him a weary grin but her eyes were still dark and distracted.

"No worries commander." James held up both hands as if in surrender,"You can talk to me if you like." in truth he was a little relieved that she was talking so much to him but then again that was just how Shepard was. Open and honest about everything, even to her subordinates, "So what'd they do this time?" he asked as he fiddled with his weights trying to set them up to his liking.

"Oh you know, the usual." Shepard whacked the old punching bag a couple more times before giving it another solid kick. She was starting to work up a good sweat, "We've got the old, 'you help me and I'll help you' kind of deal going on with everyone now." her face was sardonic as she steadied the punching bag and wiped her forehead with the back of her hand.

James didn't point out the fact that she was avoiding the details. There were just some things that Shepard had to keep to herself...but sometimes, it would be nice to be in the loop in certain situations...would it?

Human curiosity...James let out a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. He could feel a headache coming on already just with those two words, he wasn't used to stretching his brain for philosophical thinking. Sure, battle tactics, critical thinking, and on the spot decision making, but venture into the meta and philosophy and it's a whole new world for him.

"Something wrong there lieutenant?" Shepard looked at him curiously from where she stood. There was an amused spark in her eyes that rarely made an appearance these days.

"What?" James looked at his commander a bit startled, "Nah, I was just thinking about some stuff Lola, nothing big." he shrugged his shoulders and stood up to stretch.

"If you say so lieutenant." Shepard shot him a little grin and then started to head back to the elevator, "Well, I'm going to head back up. Someone has to be in control up there." she said with a fondness as she thought about her crew.

"Later Lola." James replied as he turned back to his table. Time to put together my SMG he thought to himself as he picked up a screwdriver and a scope.

As he worked, his mind began to wander back to the day when he had just been recruited onto the Normandy after earth had been attacked. Their first major ground mission was rescuing the Turian Primarch on Palaven and although it had been weeks or months since then, he could still recall it with a surreal clarity, almost like a vid from the extranet.

...**Palaven**

_"It's nothing major, she said." James muttered to himself darkly as he ducked for cover behind a barrier that had been set up just outside of the Turian moon base, "We're just going to rescue a Turian Primarch, no big deal." his voice was saturated in sarcasm as he copped a little peek over the barrier. He made sure none of those creepy bastards called husks would find their way to him. He might not be known for using his head, but he was pretty sure that he was smart enough to figure out that this was a big deal. He should have known better than to trust Shepard's word...I mean, who was he kidding...the woman who took down Saren, blew up the collector home world to pieces and stopped the reaper invasion from happening three years ago saying ,'it's no big deal.'...he should have known better than to trust her word for it. _

_Clearly whatever Shepard thought was 'no big deal' was on a completely different level. _

_"Did you say something lieutenant?" Shepard's voice was barely heard over the din of fighting but it came clear as crystal through the comm system linked in the earpieces they wore. Anyone could hear the hint of the smile in her voice that she wore in such situations. _

_"Nothing Lola." he replied immediately as he peeked out from his position and open fired upon a crowd of husks groaning and rasping their way towards them. They reminded him of zombies...which didn't seem too far off the more he thought about it. The dust on the moon he was on, the landscape of grey rubble, the smell of smoke and burning corpses, it was like the apocalypse had come and hit the whole galaxy...not that it was far off from the impending truth anyway. _

_Liara let loose a singularity dragging two husks into the air and Shepard managed to take out a few marauders that had rolled their way towards them. _

_"Thought so." Shepard grinned at him when they cleared the last wave and reached over to her omni-tool to reach the general. _

_When the comm tower was fully operational and after they beat a giant ass brute which was a pain in the ass to kill by the way, they finally managed to get back to the general to talk about the next primarch when Garrus showed up, offering to take Lola to the politician. _

_It would have been a less awkward meeting for everyone if James had been the one to go back to the Normandy instead of Liara. He didn't know the details of Lola and Garrus' history but he wasn't dumb enough to not know that there had been something there before. _

_But that wasn't any of his business, he was a soldier, here to do work and help save the galaxy and despite how he always seemed to be fooling around, he was serious about this business and he put all of his dedication to his military career. There was no time for fraternization especially for the complications that a commanding officer/subordinate situation would offer...not that he ever thought about doing anything with Lola. _

_"Hell of a mission." Shepard had come back down to the shuttle bay after retrieving the new primarch and was lounging on one of the cargo boxes as James tried to clean the grime and gore from his guns. It was a nasty business sometimes. _

_"Right." James muttered,"Like you didn't know." he grabbed a cleaning rag and tried to get rid of some of the excess grease from his hands. Not like the mission bothered him or anything,"So I take it Garrus helped you take down Saren and blow the collector homeworld sky high." he removed something from his gun that looked suspiciously like a fingernail from a husk. No wonder it smelled everytime he shot something, a finger had made its way somehow into the heat sink reloader. His face wrinkled in disgust, were husks amorphous or something, how come everytime he finished a ground mission crawling with them he found their body parts stuck or mashed in random places like his guns or inbetween his hardsuit?_

_"Didn't think it would phase you liutenant." Shepard raised an eyebrow with a slight smile,"And yes." she answered his semi-question,"The one and only Garrus Vakarian." she nodded happily,"One of the best I've seen in a fight." she seemed to be pleased with herself as she thought about him. _

_James grabbed a screwdriver, maybe this'll help with getting it out, he thought to himself as he stuck it in and tried to dig out the bits of finger,"I heard you two were a thing back in the day." he shook out his gun and a little bone rattled out._

_"What in God's name are you doing?" Shepard looked at him with her head tilted ignoring his absentminded comment. _

_"Husk finger." James replied as he dug around with the screwdriver hoping to peel off the flesh pressed to the walls of the gun. No wonder why it seemed harder to reload his gun back on the mission. _

_Shepard pulled a face but then laughed, she knew what a pain in the ass that could be,"Let them get too close did you?" she leaned back against a cargo box._

_"So what's the deal with you and Vakarian?" James tried again, he had to admit that he was more curious than he should be, meaning that he shouldn't be at all. James frowned as he shook out the rest of the husk flesh and looked at the screwdriver. It was coated with nasty shit now. He felt like such an amateur doing this in front of Shepard. _

_Shepard blinked innocently at him,"We're good friends." she looked at James with a funny look and then her lips curled into a wicked grin,"Any other details you want to know?" she asked. _

_James cleared his throat,"I'm good Lola." he replied in slight embarrassment as he wiped his screwdriver clean. He shouldn't have asked. _

...**Present day.**

He could still remember his embarrassment from asking if Lola had had a thing with Scars. He didn't know what had possessed him to ask that question and he didn't want to dig too deep into it either.

It's better to let it go, James thought to himself as he set his screwdriver and scope down and wiped his hands on a blackened grease rag, no use thinking about this when there was so much more going on.

James set up a bar for his pull up routine and jumped up so that he was grasping the bar and hanging from it. _One, two, three...forty-five, forty-six..._James paused for a second in his repetition and suddenly the words came back to him...human curiosity.

What a fucking joke. James frowned and began his repetitions all over again. Life was good right now...well...except for the reaper invasion and the impending doom of all life all over the galaxy...but you know, life was good. He was serving under Shepard, going places, doing things. Being out in the galaxy rather than having his feet planted on earth.

There was no other place that he'd rather be than on the Normandy. There was no other person he'd rather serve under than Shepard.

For the first time in a long while, he felt like he belonged somewhere.


	4. Chapter 4

The fall of Thessia.

The crew was silent and tense as the news broke over them, but they didn't need to hear it from anyone. They could see the black and red streaks of reapers flying in and destroying everything on the beautiful planet as they landed in an explosion of debris.

Everyone could see how much their commander was struggling with her emotions as she turned away from the vidfeed and let herself lean against the war preparation table as if her weight and the weight of everything else was suddenly too much for her. The crew turned their heads away from the scene of their commander silently brooding in her thoughts and emotions. They couldn't look at her. The crew had been too spoiled by Shepard and they hadn't realized the extent of it until today.

The atmosphere in the room was heavy, it was almost like the pull that gravity had on their body when they came in from being out in a zero gravity environment. The silence grew deeper as everyone tried to think of something...anything to say.

But what could they say to Shepard? What could they say to such a commander who had failed? The one who was known for doing the impossible, the one who was _expected_ to accomplish the impossible.

"You couldn't have known that Cerberus was going to be there." Liara of all people tried to tell Shepard but the commander was having none of it. The Asari had tears running down her face but she refused to let herself break down completely in the face of her friend and commander. She knew that Shepard did everything that she could.

"It's my job to be prepared for this." Shepard's tone was harsh as she looked around the war room at her officers. She couldn't look at Liara in the eyes right now. She felt too ashamed.

N7.

She was N7 and she had failed. She had been trusted with this, she had been trusted with the planet, the lives of the soldiers, the artifact, the data, the mission. She had been trusted. And she had failed everyone when it had counted the most.

She could still see Kai Leng walking up to the artifact so damn easily as she clung for life onto a piece of rock. She could still see the smug smirk carved into his face as he glanced her way. The humiliation and anger she had felt in that moment still burned deeply in her veins, she could barely contain her raw sorrow. Even now her hands shook with the emotions.

It wasn't often she had to say the words 'we were defeated' but when she did, she would rather have ripped her heart out than watch the Asari councilor's expression as the news broke over her.

"I want the Catalyst. I want that Prothean data. No excuses." Shepard looked at her crew after Traynor divulged information on Sanctuary,"Dismissed." she turned and walked away without another word, not bothering to even stay behind a little longer to answer questions or talk to Liara.

The walk back to her cabin was a lonely one and her thoughts were almost unbearable, she almost turned back around to throw herself into socializing but stopped herself, it wasn't time to be selfish. As soon as she arrived, Shepard instructed EDI to not let anyone in as she settled herself at her desk and began to file her report for Hackett while looking over the dossier Anderson had sent her about the assassin.

For now, she would learn everything she could about Leng and work on her other missions. There was too much at stake with everything else going on to let herself relax for even a moment. She would not let this deter her from her work. Time seemed to pass in seconds as she looked over datapad after datapad and downloading pieces of information she didn't want to forget. She had just gotten to her last datapad when there was a knock on her cabin door.

But Shepard ignored it as she reached over for it and turned it on. EDI would tell the individual to go away. But the knocking was insistent.

"EDI, I thought I told you to keep visitors away." Shepard finally stopped what she was doing and looked up at the door with an inscrutable expression on her face.

"I apologize commander, but no matter what I tell him, he will not leave." EDI's cool voice informed her.

He? Shepard blinked and then sighed rubbing her temples tiredly,"It's alright, I guess you can let him in then since he's not going anywhere." she sat back and when she looked at the clock, she realized that she had been working for longer than she had planned to.

"Understood commander." EDI replied and then the doors hissed open.

"Thanks EDI." Shepard yawned and stretched her neck muscles.

"Still working Lola?" James stepped into the room and looked at her sitting at her desk surrounded by numerous datapads and discarded water packets.

"James." Shepard said absently as she swiveled around in her chair to face him. It was then that she was starting to feel just how exhausted she was. Her eyes burned from lack of sleep, her head ached, and her shoulders felt stiff.

"You good there?" he eyed her momentarily as she leaned back into her seat and closed her eyes for a moment. She hadn't come out of her cabin for a day and a half and the crew members were getting uneasy with the absence of their commander for so long.

"Just tired." was all she said and then she opened her eyes,"So why are you here?" she looked at him almost apprehensively.

He held up a plate of food and grinned,"Figured that you hadn't eaten." he set it in front of her and Shepard could feel a weakness in her stomach that she hadn't felt before.

"What is it?" she asked him trying to ignore the choking feeling in her throat. She was starving and yet she hadn't noticed until Vega had come up with food.

"Bet you've never had Vega style Mexican food." he handed her a fork and went over to sit down on a couch.

"Should I be honored?" Shepard looked down the plate. It smelled heavenly.

James just gave her a smile,"Just take one bite and you'll be hooked." he promised,"Just like how you're hooked onto me." he laughed when Shepard gave him a disapproving look before taking a bite.

Shepard had to hold back tears as she swallowed. It was amazing.

"So how is it?" James asked slyly with a knowing smile on his face.

Shepard cleared her throat and looked at him,"Didn't know that you could cook." she had another bite,"Maybe I should just keep you to myself." she joked and turned her attention back to the food. She would never admit how touched she felt just from receiving food from him. He always seemed to know what she needed...

James laughed and then relaxed in his seat,"You're not the only one to say that." he watched her eat and felt a little better. She had looked tired and exhausted and just a hot mess when he stepped into the room.

Back on Thessia he had only been able to watch her as she walked away from him after Kai Leng left on his aircraft. The disappointment and humilation was palpable in the air and he had been rooted to the spot watching her back grow smaller as she left for the shuttle. He had done nothing. He had been unable to do anything in that situation. Thrown around, shot at, hiding behind cover so the gunship wouldn't fill him with holes. When it came down to it, he had been as helpless and useless as a pyjack facing off against a raging Krogan.

Even more pathetic was that all he could do was cook her food. He couldn't even offer her any words or promises.

When Shepard was done and looking quite happy, she sat back in her chair with a content sigh,"That was really good." she looked at him with a little smile,"Your future wife is gonna have a tough time cooking for you with your standards." she stretched her arms out and settled in deeper into the chair.

James shrugged in slight embarrassment,"Nah, I'd be happy with whatever my wife cooked for me." he replied absently. His mind was still on Thessia and Shepard. He had never witnessed Shepard after a loss and it was something he would fight to hell for if it meant that it wouldn't happen again. He would have preferred Shepard to go into a rage rather than the silent display of shame everyone had seen.

"Didn't figure you for that type lieutenant." Shepard looked at him with a slight curious look in her eyes,"So you gonna get married or are you gonna join the N7 program after this war?" She was joking of course, they both knew the answer to that question.

He laughed,"Gotta find a girl to get married to first." he shrugged,"We already talked about this Lola, I'm gonna join the N7 assuming there still is one after the war." there was a pause,"And I'm sure that with all the ground missions you've taken me on while serving on your ship, I'll be N7 in no time."

Shepard grinned at him,"I don't know Lieutenant. Things aren't going to go as easy as you think." she thought back to her N7 training days. The easy days. No war with ultimate technologically superior beings roughly resembling mechanical prawns or bugs that converted life forms into twisted monsters, none of that indoctrinated shit, and none of the Prothean data busting her head nonsense. All she had to do was focus on surviving and doing the best she could.

The N7 was about talent, but also about the natural instincts and abilities that an individual possessed when under conditions of extreme psychological and environmental stress. People who passed the program and became N7 were naturally gifted. They had something other people didn't, even though it took rigorous and borderline torturous training to bring the potential out.

"Yeah, well I'm sure things will work out somehow." James shrugged watching Shepard's face. There was that curious faraway look she got when thinking about the past. He wondered what she was thinking about.

"Don't be too relaxed about it." Shepard snapped out of her thoughts and looked at him,"But I'm sure you'll make me proud." she nodded in thought,"You're a damn good soldier."

"You keep that up and I'm gonna blush." James said looking at her.

Shepard just rolled her eyes,"You ever gonna stop teasing your superior officer?" she raised an eyebrow at him, a smile playing along the corners of her lips.

"Not really." James winked at her with a laugh,"I'm about that life." there was an almost too serious note in his voice that made him hope to God that Shepard didn't notice. It wasn't that he had a problem staying loyal to a girlfriend should he have one, he just didn't prefer having someone to be serious with. Especially if there was someone he really cared about in the military where anything could go wrong these days. He preferred to have his girlfriend alive and safe.

Shepard just laughed and stood up carrying the empty plate and used utensil,"Wanna get a drink with me down in the lounge after I clean these?" she looked over at James who stood up.

"Sure, why not." he shrugged and they left together on the elevator and parted ways for the moment when Shepard walked to the mess hall and Vega to the lounge.

It was the night cycle, Shepard noticed the dim lights as she dumped her used plate and utensil into the little garbage chute where it would be recycled and reconstituted into something else. She had been working for far too long still hung up over Thessia and the Illusive Man and had in the process, neglected her crew.

A sigh escaped her lips and she pinched the bridge of her nose, failure on her part again. It was like watching a slow motion chain reaction. When one thing collapsed, there was inevitably something else that would go under until it was all gone. She was barely holding it together as it was and now she was getting scared that once the pieces started to fall, everything else would collapse on top of her like an avalanche.

As the commander she had to keep it together. If she didn't keep it together how could she expect her crew to keep it together?

After a moment of pondering her strategy and war plans against the reapers, she made her way to the lounge where she found Vega opening up a bottle of tequila and pouring them straight into brandy cups already holding ice.

"Figured you needed this." he shrugged when Shepard looked at him with a raised eyebrow and handed her one,"You know, rough week and all." he took his own cup and they clinked it together before taking a big gulp of the hard liquor.

Shepard grimaced as the liquid seemed to smolder its way down to her stomach where it bloomed into warmth that spread out to her fingers,"You know that we're still on active duty right?" they both settled themselves into the black faux leather couches across from each other.

James just grinned and took another big gulp leaning back into his seat with a sigh,"It's good to take a break every now and then. And I doubt that we're going to get any assignments any time soon." he shrugged.

Shepard contemplated for a moment and then smiled back, "A little break can't hurt." she gave in despite her conscience telling her otherwise. Besides, she already knew where their next destination was. They would be going to a Cerberus base to retrieve some information and it would take time to get there.

So why not? Everyone needs a break sometime right?

...

Reviews would be much appreciated :) it helps me improve my writing and gives me new ideas. Thanks


	5. Chapter 5

They both looked at each other and then grinned before throwing back another gulp of tequila. There was a moment of silence as they each refilled their own cups. Drinking it on the rocks proved to be an effective and fast way to get to the stage where your mind was feeling deliciously fuzzy and your thoughts became more free flowing.

"EDI, lock the doors and don't let anyone in without my say so." Shepard instructed the AI in a slightly slurred voice. She didn't want anyone to see her drunk and she felt comfortable with James knowing that he wouldn't judge her, not that she was suspicious of Garrus ever shit talking her. She just didn't want to bury her turian friend with her problems when he was clearly having his own.

"Understood commander." the cool voice complied and went silent.

"And can you cut off your surveillance in here?" Shepard spoke up again quickly,"Thanks." she breathed when EDI obeyed. She never knew if Joker would be peeking and she wasn't about to subject herself to his sarcasm and jokes.

"Wanted me for yourself?" James joked as he sipped at his drink now. He wasn't about to get wasted in front of his commander. The buzz was good enough for him.

Shepard just laughed and poured herself a glass of whiskey,"You know it." she played along and set the glass down on the table in front of her to lean back in her seat, she could see the open space of the galaxy in front of her and behind James.

The view both captivated and frightened her at the same time. One look was enough to send her heart racing and body shivering but her fascination with space was undeniable as she lost herself inside the vastness of space. Her death was still fresh in her mind and although months had gone by, the feeling of death slowly closing in on her was unshakable. She could never forget that feeling, not even in sleep.

Floating in zero gravity space. Silence. Ship debris scattered around her. Oxygen leaving her suit slowly. No one to help her, nothing to hold onto, nowhere to run to. Facing death and darkness as they slowly but steadily closed in on her like an iron claw. Inescapable. Helplessly caught in space. It was unbelievable how more than a few humans displayed bold arrogance about how they could be rulers of anything. When in reality there was nothing more pitiful and weaker than they.

Helpless against themselves...Helpless against nature...

The sensation of the lack of oxygen. Gasping and straining for one more breath of air. The feeling of having the life literally sucked away from you in the form of atmosphere particles. Darkening vision. The desperate struggle for air. To breathe just once more. To fill your lungs just one more time. To hold onto something at least. To see a familiar face...

"-la, Lola!" a hand shook her snapping her out of her thoughts, she blinked and found herself looking at James who was now sitting next to her. She realized that he had turned her to face him instead of the window when she wearily gave her surroundings a once over. An unbreakable habit she had as a soldier.

"You okay there?" he looked at her with a slight relieved expression on his face as he took a seat next to her.

"Um yeah." Shepard shook her head and then reached over for her glass of whiskey, she wasn't feeling the alcohol enough. With a grimace, she drank all the liquor that was in her cup and reached over to pour herself some more. Her body could still remember with perfect clarity those moments.

"You kinda froze up and had this weird panicking look on your face." James looked carefully at her with glassy eyes. Yes, he was drunk now and yes, he knew what he was doing. Although anything requiring finesse and emotions would have to wait.

There was a pause and in her tipsy state Shepard looked at James sitting next to her, glassy eyed and cheeks glowing pink in the dim light,"I was thinking about the moment I died." the words tumbled out before she could stop them. This was not something to be discussing with a lieutenant.

James blinked a little surprised at his commander's confession, it seemed that all that rapid drinking was starting to catch up to her,"What about it?" he asked turning his body and sitting sideways on the couch so that one arm draped over the top of his seat. He wouldn't deny that he was curious, he had heard the rumors about Shepard dying and then being reconstructed and brought back to life by Cerberus.

It was a little strange talking about it with her though, he never expected it to come up since she seemed to be such a private person. It must be the alcohol talking, he realized belatedly.

"I like to look there." she gestured towards the window but her eyes didn't follow,"But everytime I do, my death comes back and then I start to question myself." she took a sip of her whiskey before continuing,"What if I'm just a high-tech VI or something. I mean, I really died." she looked at him with a pained look in her eyes. The confusion, the wandering, it all showed clearly now.

James sat there thinking for a moment unsure of what to say. Strange...these days he was being reminded over and over again that Shepard had personal struggles like everyone else. She just never let it show.

Shepard blinked once and let out a silent sigh as she looked away from her lieutenant. Hell, this was no time to be having an identity crisis. They were on the verge of mass slaughter and extinction and here she was getting drunk and wondering who the fuck she was.

The lieutenant took another gulp of tequila and turned his attention back to his commander, he was really feeling the buzz right now,"I mean, as far as I know, you seem pretty you..." he rubbed the back of his neck with a hand,"But no one else seems to think you're a VI or something." he referred to the crew, "Come on Lola, you can't doubt yourself now. If you're not sure of yourself then how is anyone else supposed to be?"

Shepard looked down at her hands still holding the cup half filled with amber liquid,her face was lightening up slightly at his words but there was a darkness that still remained in the shadows of her eyes and in the curve of her lips.

"I mean...um." James fumbled with his words when Shepard didn't respond, he began to feel himself grow hot. He was definitely not the person for this. He wasn't someone to outwardly show the public the depth of relationships he had with people. He preferred to keep it light and real even if someone was like family to him. He cared even if he didn't...or couldn't show it.

"Thanks lieutenant." she looked at him, her voice was quiet. Her eyes were bright (slightly bloodshot from drinking) and her face was red now.

They shared a long look at each other in silence, both of them unsure of what to say next. This was not the way either of them had envisioned the night to go and it instantly became awkward.

Suddenly James felt something soft and warm press against his lips. He froze, he may be really drunk, but he knew what was happening,"Um Lola?" he mumbled as she leaned away from him, her face was looking red and hot and her eyes were glazed. Oh man, she was wasted, drank all of that alcohol too fast and now it was hitting her all at once. She looked so embarrassed and shocked at herself that James was feeling a little bad.

Unconsciously he brought his hand up to the back of her neck and brought her in again for another deeper kiss. She was warm and soft and tasted of whiskey. They broke apart and stared at each other for a moment still unsure of the situation.

The only sounds that could be heard was the purr of the Normandy's engine and their heated breathing mingling with each other.

Then something seemed to snap in Shepard's eyes and she blinked rapidly, "Fuck." she muttered and shook her head rapidly and stood up, "I'm sorry." she stumbled a bit but waved James away when he tried to help steady her, "I'm sorry." she mumbled as she instructed EDI to unlock the door and exited the lounge with clumsy and heavy steps.

James stared after his commander and when the doors hissed close behind her, he heavily sat down on the couch and poured himself a tequila shot. The liquid burned down his throat and a bitter taste remained lingering in the back of his throat but he poured himself another shot and tossed it back without another thought.

Of all things to happen, this was definitely not the way he had imagined the night to go.

James sighed and let his gaze wander over to the open window revealing the dark expanse dotted with billions and billions of lights all representing galaxies faraway.

Sure it was just a kiss...it wasn't like they had done the deed, which he thanked every higher power in existence out there in the galaxy for that, but in some ways, it made the situation more complicated. Especially when he thought about the way Shepard had left.

Oh man, James smacked his forehead with a rough palm and let out an exasperated sigh, this was so awkward.

On top of having to worry about surviving mass slaughter by twisted robotic prawns, the Illusive Man and his assassin, and the Council, he now had to worry about something like awkward situations with the legendary Shepard and the sarcastic quick witted crew she handled. Especially Joker and Garrus.

He stood up wearily and straightened up the room, throwing away trash and recapping almost empty bottles of alcohol. Why of all times did it have to be now, and why of all people did it have to be Shepard? And why did this bother him so much?

The lieutenant turned the lights off in the lounge as he left and made his solitary trek back to the engineering bay stumbling slightly from the effects of the alcohol but still clear headed enough to give himself more grief about the earlier situation with Shepard.

"Had a good time in there?" a voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he turned to look at the source of the voice. Once he realized it was Garrus, James froze to the spot, "Don't worry Vega." Garrus held up his two hands up as if in surrender, "Your secret is safe with me."

"Don't make fun of me Scars." James muttered turning red. He was sure that Garrus knew what went on and that made things even worse.

Garrus chuckled, his subtones grated and lilted along, "Easy there Vega. I was just getting a snack from the fridge." he held up a clear plastic container of what looked like orange and purple ribs. Garrus turned to walk..no saunter away and as he left he said something that made James cringe, "It's a human thing Vega, don't take it so personally."


	6. Chapter 6

The firs thing James noticed when he woke up was the sharp headache that seemed to pulsate everytime he took a breath. And as he sat up in his military grade cot wincing, the memories of last night came back to him in a flash almost making him want to lie down again and never get up.

He didn't know how he was going to face Shepard.

The crew quarters was empty of other people but he could hear them loudly talking in the dining area as they ate breakfast. James let out a sigh and then winced at the stabbing pain that shot through his temples as he did so.

It was a little petty of him to think so, but now that he thought about it, he had no qualms about being with Shepard, she could fill out a uniform like nobody's business, she was an amazing soldier, and an even better person. It's just that...James closed his eyes and rubbed his temples as he threw his legs out over the side of the cot.

It was all about the chain of command. Yeah, it wasn't a big deal to other people but he took this seriously. He was just another soldier under Shepard's command, nobody important to the world. Irrelevant.

It wasn't just that part that stopped him, it was also the fact that he wanted nothing to hold him back from joining the N7 program once the damn war was over...assuming that they won.

The doors hissed open and Cortez walked in, "You better get out there fast Mr. Vega." the shuttle pilot glanced at the hungover lieutenant and rummaged around in his footlocker for something, "The food is going to be gone fast and you know how the latecomers get the oatmeal." he withdrew his hand from the locker holding a small silver packet without a label and tossed it to James where it landed in his lap.

"A cure." Cortez said as he walked back out without another glance. The doors clinked shut with another hiss leaving James alone once again.

The lieutenant fumbled with the packet and tore it open tossing the clear liquid back and swallowing with a grimace. In a few seconds, his headache disappeared and he felt fit for duty. He would have to thank Esteban later.

And it wasn't just James himself that thought about this whole thing with Shepard that way, Joker surprisingly had the same thoughts as well. To people who weren't exactly on par with Shepard, she was someone untouchable. Hell, the Normandy was basically a ship full of legends. There had been Grunt, Wrex who was now clan leader and formidable in his own way, there was Mordin, Garrus Vakarian who was also another 'legend' in his own right, Tali, even Liara who was now the Shadow Broker, and now of course they had the last living Prothean from 50,000 years ago aboard the ship. They were all the best of the best. One ragtag crew of misfits but well known and talented. Geniuses of the field, if you will.

And then there was James Vega. Failed soldier who for some reason, had gotten selected to join the N7 program. Just a regular soldier who had gotten his whole squad killed in action and was the only survivor to tell the tale. No major accomplishments in his career, no outstanding talent, not even a weird quirk.

"Gotta get up." he muttered and stood up with a stretch before rummaging around his locker for a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a towel. And you were telling him that commander Shepard just kissed him last night under the influence of alcohol. He felt like a joke.

...

"Nice of you to join us lieutenant." Shepard grinned at him as he sat down at a seat in the war room. He had just gotten out of the shower when EDI alerted him of the meeting that was about to happen and he had barely enough time to put clothes on, grab a packet of water and a breakfast bar before sprinting his way down.

James settled into the only open seat next to Shepard and shrugged, "It ain't a party without me." he flashed her a grin and ripped open his breakfast bar.

Now this was awkward. Acting like nothing happened after he had thought about it so much.

"Anyway, as I was saying." Shepard turned back to the whole crew gathered, "Our objective this time is only information retrieval at a Cerberus base. Hackett already sent us the information we need, I need the ground team going with me to review all of the information before gearing up."

"He makes it seem like we don't have other important things to do." someone from engineering grumbled as they passed by the meeting on the way out.

Shepard grinned and looked at the crew who seemed to be of the same mind but didn't say anything, "I know I know, but if the admiral says it's important, then we gotta do it." she pressed a button on her datapad to turn it on, "I mean come on guys, if it's Shepard's crew that has to do it, you know that they can't afford a failure." she was joking of course, but everyone knew it to be the truth.

James crumpled up the wrapper in the palm of his hand and inconspicuously glanced around at everyone else. They seemed to be getting on board with what Shepard was saying, "So who's going with you?" he asked.

"Hmm..." Shepard scrolled through her datapad, "Lieutenant James and Vakarian." she said without looking up, "We leave in two hours, review the information I'm sending you and gear up. We'll meet in the shuttle as usual." that signified the ending of the meeting and people started to get up to leave.

"Oh yeah." Shepard looked up from her datapad. People paused in their footsteps and looked at her, "And once this is over, how about we go get some well deserved shore leave?" she smiled at the cheers it got, "Then it's settled." she turned away from everyone else and walked into the communication room leaving everyone else behind.

James watched her leave from his seat. It really was like nothing had happened. He felt like a dumbass.

...

It had been grueling work just to reach the main room where the information packet was supposed to be kept and it was a little annoying to James how it took so long to get there and then barely retrieve anything useful off the console that Shepard was hacking, but then again this was the real deal, not some RPG.

"Got it." Shepard finished tapping away at the buttons and downloaded the package onto her omni-tool before backing away,"Let's move." she reached up to her earpiece,"Cortez, we're on our way to the LZ. Ten minutes tops maybe fifteen if we meet up with resistance."

"Roger that commander. I'll be there." Cortez replied immediately.

"Alright, time to get out of here." James grinned, he couldn't wait to hop into the shower and eat. Ground missions made him hungry as hell and he could use a good meal right about now.

Shepard grinned at him as they made their way out of the room and across the hallway through a different route to the landing zone. She hacked the large hangar gates open and the three of them ducked behind barriers just in time to avoid the shower of bullets being directed at them. Turrets had been set up on both sides of the entrance and Cerberus ground troops were already there behind barriers and cover.

"Hope they didn't bring us another atl-" James opened his mouth when the ground beneath them shook violently,"Christ." he grumbled,"Another atlas." they all watched as the giant mech dropped in and began to unfold from itself mechanically.

Garrus's voice rumbled,"Can't ever seem to get away easy when we're with you Shepard." he laughed and fired off a shot instantly killing a soldier hidden behind a full body shield.

Shepard let loose a shockwave knocking out a couple of soldiers in the way and used her shotgun to take out the turret on her left,"What can I say." she grinned as she ducked back into cover before the remaining turret could spray her with bullets, "I didn't want to make it too easy for you guys."

"I guess everyone wants a piece of you Lola." James laughed as he took out an advancing soldier. He ducked a missile that was headed straight for his head and watched it explode into the doors behind him with a burst of light and smoke, blackening the spot where it hit. Almost a goner, he thought to himself grimly as he reloaded his assault rifle but this was no time to go cold. He had a fight to win.

But before he could prepare himself, the atlas fired its canon at them with a deafening sound knocking James and Shepard from cover making them completely vulnerable targets.

Garrus hurriedly knocked out the other turret before it could fire on them giving James enough time to get back into cover and open fire on the soldiers forcing them to hide. Shepard who had gotten the brunt of the force of impact was blown back a few meters and flat on her back.

"Lola watch out!" James yelled from his spot behind his newly found cover when he saw the atlas rotate towards her and aim its cannon at her.

She stood up in a slight daze trying to clear her head but stumbled a bit as she looked around trying to find a new form of cover. Everything had gotten scattered from the previous blow that had knocked her and James out of hiding. Her head ached, her vision was almost gone but slowly coming back to her, and her arms and legs felt like they were being sit on by four different krogan and the screeching ringing in her ears made her wince. Shepard tried to move but found that her body didn't react as quickly as she'd hoped it would.

Time didn't slow down as it seemed to in other situations, everything happened in a split second. The slight recoil of the atlas's arm as it fired its canon, the rain of bullets being directed at them, Shepard trying to stumble to cover behind a barrier still standing up a few feet away from her that she just managed to spot.

Would I make it?

James exchanged what seemed to be a long look with Shepard as he deliberated what to do and then dropped his weapons, she needed help and she needed it now. There was no time for anything else. If Shepard's life was in danger, someone had to protect her.

He could vaguely hear Shepard yelling at him to get back into cover when she realized what he was planning to do. He scrambled out into the open and sprinted towards her. Adrenaline shot through his body and for the moment, the only sounds he could hear now was his heartbeat and his breathing as everything else seemed to fade away. Please make it, he thought to himself desperately, please make it. His legs burned and felt leaden with the sudden exertion and his lungs protested at the lack of air they were receiving.

He reached her almost too quickly, and it was kind of scary in a way. Time seemed to pass instantaneously in moments that were vital.

James could feel unexplainable relief as he wrapped his arms around Shepard just as the rocket sheared away at his shields and slammed into his back in a burst of light and flames. He felt searing hot pain but it quickly faded into numbness. Safe, he thought to himself and then blackness hit.


	7. Chapter 7

"James!" Shepard coughed as she inhaled the stench of burning flesh, smoke, and transmission fumes under the weight of him. She struggled to sit up trying her best to treat him with care despite feeling like she got stomped all over by a rampaging Brute. The side of her face stung and burned, her body ached and she could barely see or hear anything. But she paid it no attention, it all seemed to go away once she realized what had happened.

Blood was everywhere, his blood was everywhere. She dragged them both to cover despite the scream of her body and almost blacked out in the process.

Her hands shook slightly as she tried to make assessments on James, leaving Cerberus to Garrus,"Cortez, I need you to come in now!" her body was cold as she looked down at the unconscious James.

Her eyes squeezed shut but she forced them open again. No, she had to keep it together on the battlefield. It was no time to lose herself.

_Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere_. His words immediately came back to mind and echoed over and over in her head. Her heart squeezed painfully and there was a sudden drop in her stomach as she was hit with the reality of the situation.

He had taken the blow meant for her...stupid, so stupid. She shook with anger as she took in the damage that he had received. Once again she had fucked something up and it was costing her.

His back was ruined and just like when Garrus had taken a hit in the face, there was a hole where James's armor covered the middle of his back.

Luckily his shields and armor had taken the worst of the damage. She didn't want to think about what would have happened if they hadn't.

"Roger that commander." Cortez's voice crackled in her earpiece as he responded after what seemed like hours. She could barely hear him over the sounds of gunfire that Garrus and the rest of Cerberus exchanged.

She applied all the medi-gel she carried on her omni-tool to James' mangled back. He wasn't bleeding too much right now since the heat from the blast had cauterized his wound...but anything could go wrong.

There really wasn't much that she could do other than that and check his pulse. She was someone who took lives to save the rest, she sacrificed one to save thousands. She didn't put people back together. That was beyond her scope of practice.

Shepard's throat choked up but her eyes were still dry as she looked at her lieutenant's ruined back. Moments like these made her seriously reconsider her career choice, "I knew I should have just been a medic." she muttered hoarsely to herself. What she would give to be able to heal someone instead of take lives now...or maybe she was just getting old.

She could see parts of his shoulder blades sticking out from the bloody and gory mess of burnt flesh and melted armor. Parts of his spine were revealed reminding her of the skeleton of a snake but thank all the luck that James seemed to have that the structure protecting his spinal cord was undisturbed.

There was a moment of silence as all gunfire ceased and Shepard couldn't help but to take in the scene around her. James, the soldiers, the backdrop of the base...Blood. Blood everywhere. On her hands, on the ground, her face...

Something seemed to snap inside of her and suddenly she felt calm and undisturbed as she looked away. She reached over and took out her missile launcher and loaded it up with as much ammo as it could hold. Taking a cool breath, she glanced at James before aiming at the atlas that was too busy trying to pin down Garrus and once she had it in range, she let go a succession of missiles all aimed at the person inside the giant machinery.

When the first missile hit, the person inside turned the atlas around and tried to pin Shepard down with gunfire but she was well hidden behind her barrier.

When the missiles ran out, she dropped the launcher and unhooked her assault rifle from her side and sprayed the atlas with bullets until most of her thermal clips were used up and gone. She didn't pay any attention to the foot soldiers aiming at her, she knew Garrus would take care of them. The atlas exploded with a satisfying burst of fire, wreckage, and noise after the assault but the anger inside of her only grew.

Garrus eyed Shepard from where he was but didn't say a word when he caught the look on her face. Dead, cold, and unfeeling. It was to be expected of course, she took the safety of her crew more seriously than any other person in command he'd ever served under. For this to happen was unacceptable. Her experience on Akuze must have done a number on her for her to react like this.

Shepard took out her sniper rifle and began to pick off any Cerberus soldiers advancing towards their position. She was on automatic now and anything that pointed a weapon at her was an enemy. There was one thing she couldn't stand and that was when the people who worked under her were put in danger, especially if it was her fault. It was unforgivable.

Someone could almost say that this was her way of atoning.

Garrus slowly made his way back to Shepard diving from barrier to barrier when he caught a glimpse of the shuttle headed their way. He wasn't about to be caught out by Cerberus during a retreat.

There was an almost silent purr of a shuttle touching down a few meters away safely hidden from their opponents behind a chunk of building that had crashed and when the doors of the shuttle opened, Liara and Grunt jumped out, eyes widening slightly when they took in the state of James.

"Goddess..." Liara breathed out as Grunt gingerly helped Garrus with James. She put up a barrier around them when Cerberus soldiers realized what was happening and directed gunfire at them.

Shepard didn't say anything as she jumped onto the shuttle waiting for everyone else to board the tiny vehicle.

"Joker, set a course for the Citadel as soon as we're on and tell Chakwas and Mordin to prepare for emergency medical treatment." Shepard's voice was tight and her words steel. She was having a hard time restraining herself from going after the rest of the Cerberus soldiers trying to advance towards them.

"Roger that commander." Joker replied over the comms system,"Joker out." his usual sarcastic comments didn't come this time, he could tell how serious the situation was by the tone of her voice.

The mood inside of the shuttle was tense and even Grunt had the tact not to say anything as he looked between the grim faces all around him while the shuttle took off smoothly.

"EDI, I got the information package for you. I'll upload it onto your systems. Send it to Admiral Hackett and if he needs to talk to me, tell him that I'll be available on the Citadel." Shepard continued talking, she didn't look at James who was unconscious and draped over Garrus's shoulder even once as she opened up her omni-tool and began to upload the data.

"Understood Commander Shepard." EDI's cool voice replied as the shuttle began to take off.

_Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere._

Shepard breathed in sharply as the words came back to her suddenly. It was almost worse than the dreams she had been having lately. Such empty words, she thought to herself almost mournfully not daring to look at James. This war was taking away everything from her.

Once the shuttle was docked safely inside the Normandy's shuttle bay, Shepard and Garrus rushed to the medbay where Dr. Chakwas and Mordin were waiting. Garrus gingerly set James onto the steel table lying him on his stomach because of the damage to his back. Liara and Grunt stepped outside and after briefly exchanging words, they parted judging that it would be better to give everyone space.

"Pulse very weak but still there. Weakening. No no. Can't have that." Mordin muttered to himself as he scanned James with his omni-tool and then injected him with something light green and then something dark blue,"Miracle that he's partly alive." he said matter-of-factly as he rushed around gathering more materials.

"Will he make it?" Shepard asked quietly standing next to Garrus and looking at James. If she hadn't taken too long, if she had been stronger, if she had only been smarter to avoid it, if she had only been faster...the list went on and on. Her head was a mess and her emotions were in a dangerous place at the moment but she had to keep calm, she had to keep cool in these situations because part of being the commander of the ship was to set an example for everyone else. If she couldn't have her shit together then how could she expect others to?

"It's hard to tell commander but it's a good thing someone applied medi-gel to the wound." Dr. Chakwas replied as she began her assessment and then quickly dug out packets of blood for a transfusion, although the wound was cauterized by the explosion, he still had lost a fair amount of blood,"You should go get cleaned up and eat something." she glanced at Shepard who had opened her mouth in objection,"Come back afterwards." she cut in before the commander could say anything,"It won't help to watch." she pushed burn ointment into Shepard's hands and pushed her out the door before anymore words could be exchanged.

There was a pause as Shepard stood there and when she looked up, she saw Garrus sitting at the mess table alone. Everyone else was in the CIC talking about what had happened much to the two people's chagrin and irritation.

"You should go get cleaned up." Shepard repeated what Chakwas had said to her trying to keep her voice light, but she sat down across from her friend anyways,"He'll get through this." she caught the look on his face and tried to reassure him just as much as she was trying to reassure herself.

"Of course he will." Garrus looked at her as if he knew what she was thinking,"I took a rocket to the face and look at me, I'm as good as ever." he gestured to himself in a halfhearted attempt to lighten the mood.

Shepard could only give him a small smile,"Still getting breeding requests from Krogan females?" she tried to joke along with him but her throat was starting to strain from the effort.

There was a brief silence and then,"Don't blame yourself Shepard." Garrus's voice was a soft purr and his sub-harmonics lilted along with the deep tenors that made it gravelly.

Shepard clasped her hands tightly on the table and stared at them,"You know it's my fault." her voice was low. She was their commander, and as their commander she had a job to protect the people who were subordinates to her. And yet she failed again. Same shit, different day.

"As much as it's a commander's job to protect their subordinates, it's the subordinates' job to protect their commander as well." Garrus said quietly,"The mission doesn't continue without you." he looked at Shepard,"Remember that?" his mandibles involuntarily twitched.

She frowned but didn't say anything, he was right of course she just didn't want to admit to any of it,"The ruthless calculus of war." she muttered darkly. She hated the thought of being a priority, she hated the thought of the lives sacrificed just so that she could survive. She was a soldier just like everyone else wasn't she?

"He'll be fine." Garrus stood up,"He can be as stubborn as you." he waved a talon in the air as if trying to clear up the gloom that was beginning to settle,"Now I think I'm going to take that shower. I reek." he started to walk away,"You reek too by the way." he called out.

Shepard just flashed him a smile and stood up, he was right though. She had wanted to stay and chat for a while but now that he mentioned it, she felt disgusting. Blood splattered all over her, the smell of smoke and atlas transmission fluid clung to her hair. She did reek.

With a silent sigh, she made a silent trek back up to her cabin where she shed her armor and clothing and tossed them into a little heap by the doorway. There was no noise except for the splatter of water against the metal walls and floors of the shower. Steam filled the the room as Shepard placed herself underneath the hot downpour letting the water run down her body and relax her muscles from the earlier tension.

_Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere. _

The words hit her like a shock out of nowhere and causing her stomach to tighten and her chest to throb.

"What the fuck." Shepard muttered to herself clenching her fists. Why was he getting into her head now? Why did these words come back all the time?

_Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere._

"Stop." Shepard gritted her teeth as she wiped the water pouring down her face. She was trying to take a shower, she was trying to relax, she was trying to forget about that moment for even a second.

_Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere. _

"Dammit!" Shepard punched the shower wall with a loud _bang_ and let it rest there for a moment as she savored the sharp pain radiating from her knuckles and up her forearm. Anything to distract her right now. Anything.

Closing her eyes she tilted her face upward letting the water hit her face.

And if she was crying, she didn't know it.


	8. Chapter 8

The first thing Vega noticed when he woke up was that he was feeling sore as hell, the pain almost put him out again, the second was that he was naked waist up, and the third was that there was a familiar figure sitting in a chair next to him with her legs crossed with a frown on her face as she scrolled through some messages on her omni-tool.

"Hey sexy lady." his voice was rough and weak from pain and dehydration and he looked at Shepard's startled face with a weak laugh. He didn't attempt to move, he already knew he wouldn't be able to.

"You're awake." was all she said dumbfounded and she shut off her omni-tool. Her face grew pink and her mouth opened and closed as she tried to find the right words. Should she get mad first? Relieved? Happy?

"Um..yeah." James blinked at her, he paused,"How bad was it?" he asked seriously. How long had he been out? God, his back was killing him. He remembered taking a rocket in the back for Lola and then passing out on impact. Hell, he had been prepared to die but being alive and awake right now was a good feeling too.

"Do you have a deathwish?" Shepard's face turned red, all shock receding from her face and replaced with anger, "This is the second time Liuetenant Vega. If this happens again, I'll leave you on some forsaken planet like Parnack with the Yahgs. I could turn you in for insubordination."

"For saving your life?" James readied himself and pulled himself up with a groan. Oh man, he was so out of shape now. He could already feel the weakness in his shoulder and arms. Of course...he _had_ been out for a while. Why did he try to move? He winced and blinked back the sudden watering in his eyes resulting from the pain.

"What are you doing? You're supposed to lie on your stomach!" Shepard yanked him down again and he grunted when his face smacked into the bed,"And I never asked to be saved by you!" she was standing up and glaring at him,

"Well isn't that a fine way to thank me." James replied sarcastically. He immediately regretted it. It sounded as if he wanted to be rewarded or recognized for saving the famous Commander Shepard, like he was trying to gain a name for himself by using her.

Shepard's face went devoid of all emotion and she looked at him through hard eyes,"You want me to thank you? Then get off my ship." she replied coldly,"I'm sure that you'll be welcome just about anywhere now."

There was a pause and then "You know that's not what I meant Lola." James sighed and looked up at her through bleary eyes. It must have been really bad if she was this pissed.

Suddenly she sighed deflating a little and the usual smile lit on her face,"I know lieutenant." she sat down in her chair,"I'm sorry for the dramatics." she laughed a little,"You just gave everyone a big scare. Hell, you gave me a good scare." she stood up to press a button,"I should tell the nurse that you're awake, we'll talk after okay?" she ignored his protesting with a smile and pressed the button before walking out,"We'll visit you later." she waved and turned her back on him walking out through the doors.

James sighed and closed his eyes, what a day, he thought to himself. He didn't think that the first person that he'd see was Lola.

"I've been out for almost a month?" James looked at Liara and Garrus almost in disbelief, he was still lying on his stomach. Two days had passed since he had awakened and his very first visitors (besides Lola) were the asari and turian,"What'd I miss?" he demanded to know and looked between the aliens.

Garrus shrugged,"Not much actually." his voice drawled out,"We just ran around the galaxy running errands for the council and gathering war assets." he was sitting down in a chair next to James.

"You weren't supposed to wake up actually." Liara said in her soft voice,"You lost too much blood and the damage was too extensive. There was almost no chance that you would have survived." she looked at him carefully before continuing,"The doctors also said that your mental state had further convinced your body that you had 'died'...or I guess that the simpler term would be that you had given up on life."

There was a peculiar silence in the room now as Liara cautiously looked at James unsure of whether she had offended him in some way or not,"I'm sorry." she burst out and apologized,"I said something that I wasn't supposed to say." she looked regretful and almost tearful. It was reminiscent of how Liara had been back before she had gone through her own share of trials with the Shadow Broker.

"No worries." James reassured her with a grin,"It's nothing like that." he laughed and then winced when he strained his back a little too much. He couldn't help but to think about what Liara had said though...it just got under his skin for some reason. I mean...come on..did he really give up on life? He was way past that thanks to Lola. Right?

"Hey guys." a new voice cut in almost too cheerfully causing everyone to look at the newcomer.

"Shepard." Liara and Garrus nodded at her and then stood up to leave when she entered the room.

"Oh you guys can stay." Shepard stopped them but they just shrugged.

"We've stayed for too long anyway." Garrus looked over at James,"See you later Vega." he called out as he walked out.

"Hope you get well as soon as you can." Liara gave him a soft smile before exiting.

Shepard frowned but when the door closed she turned back to James,"How are you feeling?" she asked and took the seat that Garrus had been sitting in.

"Like shit." James replied still thinking about what Liara had said. Rehabilitation was a pain but it felt good to move around again. When he woke up, the nurse had come into the room and given him a general overview of his condition.

An extensive network of cybernetics had been placed in his back where the rocket had hit. He had received damage to parts of his spine, ribs, part of his kidneys, lungs, his arteries and veins had been disintegrated by the extreme heat. His shoulder blades were luckily unharmed but his back muscles were burned out and had been nothing but a black charcoal mess. They'd had to regrow parts of his organs, had placed multiple skin grafts on his back via surgery and now there were robotics placed inside of him to make sure that his muscles and nerves all functioned correctly together and wouldn't reject the new tissue that was now a part of him. (Yes...complications could still occur even if the tissue was technically him)

His bones had also been reinforced (some replaced) with titanium alloy since most of his original bones had been shattered or broken by the impact. He was as good as new, maybe even better now with his upgraded body, though it didn't stop hurting since he was still recuperating from his extensive surgeries. He was lucky that the rocket had hit his back and not his head.

It was a miracle that he had survived and recovered so well.

According to the nurse Shepard had also had a checkup (he was sure it was because Garrus and Liara forced her to) and he was told that she was lucky to get away with minor bruises and burns. It's not that they didn't trust Chakwas, it was just better to be safe than sorry.

"Did the doctors say anything about when you'd be released?" she asked curiously and looked him over. He was skinnier than before and there was a giant red-pink circle shaped scar on his back, but from what she could tell, he was healing up nicely.

"In about a month." he replied easily,"Miss me that much?" he grinned at her cheekily.

Shepard rolled her eyes,"Oh please, like I have time. I have a war to win in case you haven't noticed." her face was relaxed as she sat back in her chair.

"Ouch Lola." James said,"Can't you put down a guy more gently?"

"Just be ready until you get discharged." Shepard laughed,"No mercy for you once you get back on the ship." he looked at her, there were no signs of trauma on her face, they had likely been healed by medi-gel and Dr. Chakwas's diligence in checking up on the commander's health.

He felt a tiny prick of relief at realizing that he had protected her. He had saved the commander. No, it wasn't gloating or pride, it was relief that she was there well and alive talking to him. For once in a very long time, he felt accomplished, he had done something worth every bit of pain and injury he had received. It was a purpose...well, other than fighting the reapers and saving the galaxy alongside Shepard.

She didn't need protecting. The woman was more than capable of doing that, there was no questioning her strength or her capabilities, but what he wanted was to be beside her and fight like hell to survive with her. Only the best remained at her side, and only the best was needed by her. He wanted to be there.

They talked for a few more hours, exchanging sarcastic comments and personal battle stories, expressing opinions on just about anything and everything they could think of and for a few moments, James forgot that he was talking to a superior officer. He was just talking to a fascinating and beautiful woman.

Shepard made it so easy for him to forget that. Her open personality, the way she joked around with everyone, and the way she didn't demand respect from her subordinates. Of course she did have her moments, but those moments weren't without good reason either.

"Seriously Vega?" Shepard raised an eyebrow at him and crossed her arms, "You're really going to try and one-up _me_? Commander Shepard? You know, the _first_ human spectre?"

"That doesn't count Lola." James chuckled, "Technically Anderson was the first human spectre, so there's nothing you can say about that."

Shepard frowned for a moment as she thought about it, "Fine." she conceded, "But I survived a suicide mission into the Omega-4 relay, blew up the collector homeworld, defeated a giant human reaper, and managed to come back with all of my crew members."

James paused for a moment, "A giant human reaper?" he asked half serious and half ready to come out with a sarcastic one-liner. There's no way. All of the reapers he had seen were all those weird prawn looking things.

"It was a work in progress." Shepard suddenly looked a bit sheepish. She wasn't the type to boast about her achievements and it was starting to bother her a little bit, "That's one of the reasons why the collectors were harvesting humans."

There was a moment of silence as James let that sink in. Harvesting humans to make a reaper, "Well, now I'm a thousand times more creeped out." he gave a little grimace thinking about the reapers. All made up of dead civilizations. Dead races. Then he looked at Shepard with a half smile, "Alright, I guess you win this round Lola." he let out a little chuckle as they went back to their previous discussion.

"Of course lieutenant." she stood up and smiled, "There's no one on the Normandy who can win me." her omni-tool blipped and started blinking indicating a message, "Now I gotta go take care of a few things. Rest up." she ruffled his hair with a hand and laughed when he tried to move away, "It was nice seeing you. The Normandy will be back on the date of your release."

"No rest for the weary huh?" James murmured to himself as he watched Shepard walk out of his room. He had almost forgotten that he was at Huerta Memorial Hospital for a moment...


	9. Chapter 9

A month passed by more slowly than James ever thought possible but when it did pass he was more than ready to get back into the action. He wouldn't admit it, but he had missed being on the ship with everyone else.

When the crew hadn't been on shore leave on the Citadel, the crew members had talked to him using their omni-tools or sent him pictures from wherever they were in the galaxy. He could recall all of them with clarity since he had looked over them so many times.

Shepard and Grunt yelling at each other, a thresher maw and a couple of varren lying dead between them with Tuchanka as the backdrop and Wrex in the corner looking on in amusement.

Garrus and Shepard laughing together while sitting in the lounge, a pile of cards on the table between them.

Liara and Javik silently sizing each other up, the look of disappointment and anger apparent on the asari's face.

Shepard sitting at a table alone looking at a cup she held in one hand, deep in thought and her face somber.

Shepard red faced and storming out of the comms room in the Normandy leaving a wake of scared soldiers behind her.

Shepard working on her model ships with the seriousness and concentration she used in battles.

Shepard with one arm around Garrus and another around Grunt smiling widely at the person taking the picture, a giant reaper in the background and a disgruntled krogan looking on at them with a strange expression on his face.

Shepard sitting back in a chair with a datapad in one hand and a hand up to her face pinching the bridge of her nose.

Shepard leaning towards-

"All ready to go?" a voice interrupted his thoughts as he stood there in the empty room looking around to see if he had gotten all his belongings, which didn't amount to much in the first place. A pistol, spare clothes, and his damaged armor which he had requested to take back with him much to the chagrin of the nurses.

"Yeah." he turned to face Shepard who had come into the room. She had finished what business she had on the Citadel and had told James to wait for her so that they could go back to the Normandy together.

"Been a while right?" Shepard grinned at him as they both walked out of his room and towards the elevator. She nodded to Thane who nodded back looking at her with his huge black eyes and sat in a chair overlooking the view from the hospital.

Not really, James thought to himself thinking of the omni-tool pictures he had received,"Yeah." he said anyway and selected to go to the Normandy docking bay. It had been a while since talking to her though, she hadn't checked in as often as the other crew members had because of her responsibilities but it didn't feel like a month had passed since he'd seen her.

"What's been going on these days?" James cleared his throat and asked. It was just the two of them inside the elevator and a little...unnerving to just be there with her in silence.

"Nothing new." Shepard shrugged as she crossed her arms and leaned against the wall looking at him,"Noncommittal council, feuding alien species, reaper war." she laughed,"Babysitting crew members." she thought of them fondly,"Ready to get back into action lieutenant?" she looked at him.

The doors to the elevator opened and they both stepped out at the same time.

"Can't wait to get to it commander." James replied with a grin as they made their way to the ship.

"Good." Shepard grinned and palmed the doors open,"Also, when you have time, come up to my cabin." she didn't say anything else as they entered the ship. Everyone was there to greet him enthusiastically, except for Liara, who had other business to attend to on the citadel and would be coming by to greet him later.

James watched Shepard quietly slip away before he could say another word. The crowd of people gathering around him grew and he was unable to ask her what she wanted when people started to ask him questions and crack jokes about him 'embracing' the commander as it were. He even received gifts from them. A faster shield generator from Tali and Garrus, a mod from Cortez (the same one that James couldn't fix, but the shuttle pilot had somehow gotten it to work), a bottle of tequila from Kaidan, an SMG and headbutt from Grunt, and even an apology and clean memory shard from Javik.

The hours rolled by with James eventually settling back into the shuttle bay with his arm full of the miscellaneous gifts he'd received from the crew. Liara had come by a few moments ago and had given him a hydra missile launcher (oh the irony) and a tech bomb in the form of a silver dog tag but a tad bit thicker and slightly longer, engraved with his I.D number and the ship name, SSV Normandy SR-2.

She explained that if he pressed his thumb on the back of the dog tag, it would read his print and immediately activate a jamming signal that prevented enemies from reading his position and disable all tech within a two mile radius. When James asked how and where she got something so powerful, the asari merely replied with a bright smile but didn't say anything in response as she walked away excusing herself.

He reminded himself not to get on the bad side of the asari as he threaded the bomb on next to his original Alliance issued dogtags around his neck. The shuttle bay was silent as he sat down on his cot and then making up his mind, he grabbed his bag and unzipped it to unpack.

The piece of armor he brought out was rough and charred. He could still smell the blood and smoke from it as he set it aside on the floor. When James had first laid eyes on his armor he had gotten a bit of a shock and did nothing but stare. By all accounts, he should have died. Was this close to what Shepard felt like when they brought her back to life?

He laid his armor out on the ground in a way that formed a human being. Charred, melted, sharp fragments clawing outwards where he had been hit. It looked like a shell of a man with a hole blasted through him.

"All good there Mr. Vega?" the elevator opened with a hiss and Cortez walked in holding a plate of food from the mess hall. He looked at James a little tentatively.

James cleared his throat and forced himself to look away,"Uh yeah. All good here Esteban." he stood up,"Is the commander in the mess?" he asked thinking about her request to visit her in her private quarters as he walked towards the elevator.

"I think the commander is in her cabin." Cortez replied as he sat down next to the shuttle with his omni-tool flaring bright orange as he turned it on and what seemed to be a data pack.

"Alright, thanks." James gave him a nod and then pressed the button for the captain's cabin as he stepped inside the elevator. He wondered what Shepard wanted to talk about that it had to be in her private cabin.

The elevator shifted and came to a stop a few moments later, the doors hissed open and James stepped out a little hesitantly. The only other time he'd been to Shepard's cabin was when he talked to her about joining the N7 program and even then it was a little unsettling...more awkward than anything actually.

He paused in front of the doors and then cleared his throat,"Um...uh, commander?" his voice came out a little choked and he cursed himself for sounding so tense for no reason at all,"You wanted to see me?" he knocked on the doors. Should he go in? Should he wait to be called in?

There was a pause and then,"Come in lieutenant." she sounded more tired than he'd ever heard her sound.

He straightened up and palmed the doors waiting for them to open before stepping inside. She was sitting at her desk with her back to him and working on a model ship, when he took a closer look it was a geth dreadnought. Her desk was a chaotic mess. Datapads leaning precariously against a pile of gun mods and SMG parts, part of her hardsuit was still lying next to her waiting to be fixed from a bullet hole that almost put her out of commission, model ship parts scattered around her, a chessboard abandoned on the side, and thermal clips thrown about.

"You um, wanted to see me?" he asked a little nervously. She wasn't really one to invite people up to her private cabin unless it was someone that she was in a relationship with or unless it was important.

"Yeah, hey." she set down the ship she was working on and stood up from her chair rubbing the back of her neck. She gestured towards the black sofa near her bed and they both sat across from each other.

Sighing, she gave him a little smile,"How've you been settling in?" she leaned back into the seat she occupied, her black hair was down and in a wavy mess and not in the usual tight bun she pinned it up in.

James shrugged,"I could do without all the jokes about me...you know." he turned a little uncomfortable,"But other than that, it feels damn good to be back." he flashed her a grin," I have a lot of catching up to do though." he said thinking about how small he had gotten. He would have to focus on training his body to get back into shape.

Shepard grinned,"You think you've got it bad liuetenant?" she leaned forward,"Traynor and Chambers are always asking me how it felt to be in your amazing arms." she rolled her eyes but grinned,"I've also got Liara on my case too."

"I didn't know I was that popular." James laughed,"I always thought that they've had a thing for the turian onboard, you know, with his voice and all." he wouldn't admit it, but Garrus's voice was interesting, all the tones and pitches and tenors.

"Sure." she shrugged,"But I guess arms and shoulders win hands down." her eyes sparkled in amusement.

"Guess I don't have anything to say to that." James replied lightly,"So did you call me up here to try to get me into your bed or what Lola?" he waggled his eyebrows at her eliciting a loud laugh.

"I called you here to talk to you." Shepard's face finally turned serious and a little dark. A sense of apprehension started to creep into James as he waited for his commander to say whatever it was that she wanted to say.

There was silence.

Suddenly Shepard sighed heavily and put her face into her hands,"I don't even know where to begin..." she muttered to herself rubbing her temples and frowning.

James held still and it seemed like all the breath in his lungs had frozen. Was she really going to kick him off the ship? Or was she going to assign him some menial task like cleaning out the sanitation tanks and never allow him to go on a ground mission again?

"First..." Shepard looked up looking a little shy,"Thanks for taking the rocket for me." her face was red but her words were clear and genuine,"I uh-"

"Come on Lola." James interrupted her mid-sentence,"You know that's not necessary." he raised an eyebrow at her when she cast him a scowl,"You've saved my ass more times than I can count."

Shepard laughed after a little pause,"Guess it makes us even then." and then she stopped and looked at him,"Just don't do that again okay lieutenant?" the atmosphere was tense for a split second as she locked eyes with him. Neither of them willing to give in.

"Got it Lola." James finally said and stood up, he was guessing that this was what she had wanted to talk to him about. Short, sweet, and straight to the point. Just like her.

"Oh and don't forget to take this with you." she said and tossed a black duffle bag that had been lying next to her on the couch at him before he could leave,"Welcome back lieutenant." she flashed him a smile and pushed him out of her room.

James stood outside the room still clutching the bag. It had been heavier than he had been expecting and he still felt a little winded. Shepard had a good arm.

Curiously he looked at the bag still in his arms. Whatever was in there, it was large, bulky, and hard. He unzipped it with a free hand and peered inside of it. Black hard pieces of...hard armor? He stuck a hand in and dug out a chest piece, it was matte black, thick and hard but the way it flexed in his hands told him how easy it would be to move around in this. As a veteran soldier, even he could tell that the hardsuit he received from Shepard was top notch and the most expensive of its kind. There were multiple slots for ammo, there were implants and VIs to moderate his shields and maintain his health should there be an injury.

James dug around more and felt something soft brush against his fingers and he pulled it out. An undersuit. Black, soft, and durable. There were multiple hooks stitched into it for his weapons and buckles to keep the hardsuit in place. It was thick but breathable and equipped with nanotechnology to repair itself if there happened to be a tear. He even noticed that it had been equipped with a basic VI for maintenance.

A strange feeling came over him as he shoved everything back into the duffle bag and hit the elevator button. He didn't know much about the prices on equipment he knew he couldn't afford, but this stuff was top notch and was one of the best ever made. He didn't even want to guess at how many credits all of this had cost her.

The doors opened with the usual hiss and he stepped inside pressing the button for the shuttle bay. This was way above what he had earned. But how could he give the gifts back? There was no way. James stepped out of the elevator when it reached his floor and made his way towards his cot clutching the bag in one hand and with a nod to Esteban, he shoved the bag under the cot and lie down on it with a silent sigh.

He had done nothing to deserve all these gifts. Was it pity? He shook his head, no, they had been scared. Scared of losing another member and this was just their way of expressing their relief. He understood the feeling well, but the gifts that Lola had given him were too much.

His eyes roamed the grey shadowy ceiling of the shuttle bay absently. It almost felt like she was undermining him as a soldier. But he knew that Lola-the commander wouldn't do something like that. She wasn't that kind of person. But still, this...gift that she'd given him.

James squeezed his eyes shut and sighed loudly while turning to his side. He was grateful, more than words could describe. The distant sounds of lights turning off for the night cycle reached his ears and he let himself relax into the thin material he was laying on top of. Better to get some sleep rather than think about everything, he reasoned with himself as he let himself relax.

And then all of the sudden he thought about that night where he and the commander had kissed.

"Ugh." James tried to bury his head into his pillow hoping that the memory would go away. He hated how memories like that just came and went without warning.

There was nothing going on right? The lieutenant's eyes opened and stared aimlessly at the wall of cargo boxes in front of him. There was no way something was going on between him and Lola...There were rumors of her being with the Drell...or was it Scars she was with? Hell...he never really paid attention to any of that until now.. .

"I don't know...who the hell cares." James mumbled to himself as he pulled the blankets up to his chest. _Just sleep, _he told himself and then cleared his mind of everything.

There would be a time and place for all of this. But it wasn't now.


	10. Chapter 10

"Alright guys I have news for everyone." Shepard walked into the war room where everyone was gathered for a debrief.

Everyone turned their attention towards her curious about what she was going to say next. It had been a while since everyone needed to be there for a review of what was going to happen.

"Thanks to Traynor and EDI." Shepard grinned in a feral way, "We're going to Cronos Station where our slippery assassin is reported to have gone."

There was a murmur but the crew was generally silent waiting for Shepard to go on with the debrief. The excitement was starting to build in the air as the information sank in. They all knew how important this was, to the mission and to their commander.

"There will be air support from Admiral Hackett, but our mission is to get inside the Illusive Man's base and generally wreak havoc." there was a smoldering determination in her voice even as she made a joke and looked at her laughing crew members.

"ETA is..." Shepard trailed off and then called out to Joker who was in the cockpit listening in on the debrief from there, "Joker what's our ETA?" she asked loudly.

"ETA to Cronos Station 5 hours commander." Joker's voice came in over the intercom speakers.

"You heard him." Shepard grinned, "I'll let everyone know who's going to be coming with me in an hour tops."

"Take Joker with you!" someone suggested loudly and that brought on a burst of laughter.

Shepard laughed, "How about it Joker?" she asked as she gathered datapads with relevance to the impending mission.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny guys." Joker's voice was heavy with sarcasm,"Oh yeah, let's make jokes about the guy with brittle bone disease." people could almost hear his eyes rolling as he spoke, "You guys know that there's a reason I'm sitting in this chair and not rolling around in the mud like you guys."

There was a fresh wave of chuckles as they all turned to talk to each other.

"Five hours guys." Shepard called as she walked out of the war room with an armful of selected datapads, "And keep an eye on your omni-tool messages. I'll be sending out an email." the doors hissed closed behind her.

...

"You're kidding me." James muttered to himself as he read through his omni-tool messages. He had been chosen along with EDI for the ground mission on Cronos Station. There wasn't a problem with that in itself, in fact he was excited to go. But he didn't feel ready for anything yet.

During his month off, he was busy recuperating and going through physical therapy just trying to walk and move his body normally.

As far as James knew, he still walked with a little limp and his right arm was off when aiming. Part of it had to do with adjusting to the new cybernetics in his body and the other part was that his body was still stiff from the injuries. His body wasn't moving the way he wanted it to.

**Are you sure about this Lola?** He had to explain himself to her. This was the chance she had been waiting for and he would not be the one to ruin it for her.

His omni-tool lit up.

**Is there a reason you're questioning my decision? **

Short and straight to the point. James sighed and sat down on one of the cargo boxes next to his station in the shuttle bay.

**I just don't know if I'll be able to move the way I want to.** He sent the message and shook out his right arm hoping to relieve some of the stuffness in his joints.

**Sounds a little kinky lieutenant**. James could feel heat rush to his face as he read through that. There was no way that he meant to make it sound a certain type of way. He could almost hear Lola laughing from wherever she was.

**You know what I meant Lola.** James responded quickly trying to salvage the situation.

**I know I know don't overreact lieutenant. Anyway, don't stress too much about the mission. You'll do just fine.** Her reply came a little later as if she had been deliberating on what to say...or maybe it's because she'd been a little busy.

James paused trying to think of what to say in response. In the end he could only send two words back.

**Thanks Lola. **

...

"To the right!" Shepard roared to her ground team when Phantoms began to drop in along with Cerberus soldiers.

James grunted and lunged to the right just as a Phantom swung a sword down where his head had been moments before.

Of course the Illusive Man hadn't been there. James carefully aimed his shotgun at the head of a busy Cerberus soldier and pulled the trigger. But on the plus side, the Leng bastard was here himself and that was more than a good reason to keep fighting. Other than getting out alive that is.

The ground shattered in a burst of black shards that rained down on them almost like rain. That was getting really annoying.

"Is that the best you can do?" Kai Leng taunted as he dodged a spray of bullets.

"How are your legs? Getting tired?" Shepard snapped back as she leapt from cover and took down three soldiers as she dove back down to hide from another wave of soldiers.

It took time. But when it was over, Shepard sat down in the solitary chair still miraculously in one piece and began to hack into the system.

He didn't notice it at first. Maybe it was because he was getting old or maybe it was because he still wasn't at 100% as a soldier, but he didn't notice Kai Leng get up. He didn't notice the assassin raise his sword and aim for Lola. If he had, then he wouldn't have let the bastard get away with pointing a sword at Lola's back.

In that moment, Shepard had gotten up, her omni-blade unfolding and she turned to face Leng with a hardened look on her face.

"That was for Thane you son of a bitch." Shepard spat as the omni-blade sank into the assassin's stomach.

James was frozen to his spot. He hadn't been able to let out so much as a yell and the moment had gone by in what seemed to be a split second. If it had been anyone else but Shepard sitting in that chair, they wouldn't have survived.

...

Shepard had gone to report to Admiral Hackett about the Catalyst being the Citadel while the rest of the crew gathered around in the war room waiting for the post-mission debrief.

James was still stuck in his thoughts about what happened before. He couldn't get over it.

"You okay there?" Garrus sat down heavily next to the lieutenant while everyone chatted away excitedly about a rumored shore leave before finally going to war.

"Um yeah." James cleared his throat and looked up to see that Scars was scrutinizing him.

"Are you sure?" Garrus looked him up and down trying to dissect and examine James' behavior and displays of emotion. Humans could be such an expressive race that it was hard to determine what was going on, "Because I know how tough it is to keep up with my headcounts." he tossed out a little bone for casual conversation.

"Yeah." James replied, "Everything is fine Sc-" but before he could continue the conversation with a quip of his own he was interrupted.

"Alright!" Shepard walked back into the war room still geared up in her armor and fully equipped with weapons, "Good work on Cronos Station everyone." she grinned at all the individuals in the room, "We got the bastard for Thane and now..." she paused trying to hide a chuckle when she noticed the looks on everyone's faces.

Shore leave. Their faces said.

Shore leave.

"We all get some well deserved shore leave!" she laughed when everyone stood up cheering, "We'll be arriving at the Citadel in a few hours. Don't forget to check your messages when you leave the Normandy!" she called as she picked up her helmet on the way out, "I might throw a party or something..." she flashed everyone another quick grin before letting the doors close behind her.

The crew all chattered among themselves, discussing plans, talking about the kind of party their commander might throw, talking about other things that James had no interest in joining in on.

The lieutenant nodded to Scars and stood up after a moment to exit the room. He just wanted to struggle with his thoughts alone right now. He didn't know why, but it felt like there were a lot of issues that he had to work out at the moment. And for some reason, most of them had to do with Shepard.

...

Shepard let out a sigh as she walked inside her cabin and threw herself onto the black couch near her bed. She was too tired to take off her dirty armor, too tired for a shower, too tired for anything.

She could sleep for an entire year and it still wouldn't be enough.

_I got him for you Thane_, Shepard thought as she turned onto her back letting her helmet drop from her hands and roll away from her, _I got the bastard_. She could feel a clench in her heart as she thought about him. Hypnotizing black eyes, the deep grating voice that had a strange pull on people, his calm but strong presence.

A strange feeling came over her body and suddenly she felt relaxed and at peace, almost as if the Drell himself was there with her.

"Kalahira, this one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention..." Shepard whispered to herself, "Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve." she could feel her throat begin to choke up as she thought about Thane and yet, remarkably her eyes remained dry, "Guide this one Kalahira." her voice broke but the tears never came.

_And she will be a companion to you as she was to me._

There was silence as Shepard lay there absently looking up at the ceiling while becoming engrossed in her thoughts. It seemed like it had been a while since she had spent some time alone with her thoughts.

She had been unaware of the knock on her cabin door, she had been unaware of the doors sliding open from an accidental push, and she had been unaware of lieutenant Vega standing there awkwardly and a little surprised at what he had witnessed.

Vega could have easily gotten away with this. Quietly step out and never breathe a word of this to anyone, and just as he took one step backwards, he clanked into the metal door behind him.

Fuck.

He realized too late that the doors had already shut behind him.

"Lieutenant?" Shepard was up in a snap and she was already making her way towards him. Her face was expressionless and James couldn't tell if she was beyond pissed or if really she didn't care.

"U-um hi. " James straightened up trying to act like he had just gotten there, "Lola." he was unable to meet her eyes for some reason.

There was silence as Shepard stared at him expressionlessly, "Did you need something?" she finally asked. Her body had relaxed after the initial reaction and she was now just patiently waiting for an answer. She wouldn't ask if he heard her or not, chances were that he heard everything.

"I...was..I was um just." James stuttered trying to think of something to say that wouldn't make him sound like an ass.

"You know you sound like an ass right now?" Shepard raised an eyebrow at him and then grinned trying to lighten the situation. She hoped he would forget what he saw.

The grin sort of pissed off James for some reason but he just shrugged at her question.

"Well...why don't you have a seat?" Shepard said after another moment of silence and gestured towards the couch she had been lying on only moments ago.

"Why don't you ever get mad?" James suddenly asked not budging from where he stood. By all rights, Shepard should have gotten at least a little angry right? He had seen something he wasn't supposed to have seen.

"Mad at what?" she looked at him as if he was a little strange, "For coming into my room while I wasn't paying attention?" she sat in the chair near her desk since she was too tired to stay standing. James wasn't moving towards the couch and it would be weird if she was the only one sitting there.

James frowned, "You know...mad that I saw that. Mad that I invaded your privacy." he looked at her as if it was obvious. Lola was his CO, his commander, higher up in the chain of command than he was. She could demand his respect and he wouldn't hate her for it, hell, no one would or could for that matter. Why did she act like her problems didn't matter? Why did she act like her struggles didn't hurt? She was human too. She deserved to be a little selfish didn't she?

"What's the point you're trying to make here?" she asked in confusion, she was a little thrown off at the direction of the conversation.

For what it was worth, James never needed to try and make a point like this to anyone, "I mean...it's okay to...to be human." he tried to explain, "You know...like getting annoyed at not being able to have a moment yourself or...something." he mumbled suddenly embarrassed. Agh...por dios...if there was only someone else who noticed stuff like this about Shepard and was able to talk to her about it. Better the other person than him.

Shepard blinked at him in surprise.

"What I mean to say is." James cleared his throat and then looked at Shepard, "If you need someone to listen then you know...I can listen." his voice softened slightly at the end. God what was he saying to his CO right now? This was off the charts, this was not supposed to be happening. There was supposed to be a fucking boundary between ranked officers. Especially between him and Lola.

"Oh." Shepard looked at him for a moment and then a genuine smiled spread across her face. There was a warmth in her chest that she couldn't explain, "Thanks lieutenant." her voice was quiet.

"No problem Lola." James replied gruffly and then walked over to the couch letting himself sink into plush seat, "So anything on your mind?" he asked looking over at her casually.

Shepard paused for a moment before getting up and laughed softly as she made her way towards the seat across from James, "I must be too easy to read." she joked as sat down in the seat forgetting about her fatigue and forgetting about her pain.

It was okay to assume that this person wasn't going anywhere right?

The first person to ever make an effort like this wasn't going to leave her right?

She knew he was a lieutenant and she also knew that ranks mattered to him. But it was okay to have these kind of feelings as long as she kept quiet about it right?

"Well...I mean that prayer _was_ something." he teased and laughed as he dodged a cushion that flew towards his head. If he could help in anyway, he would. Even if it meant crossing the boundaries he had set for himself years ago.

...

Reviews will be much appreciated :)

And thank you for reading everyone.

**updated. Horizon switched to Cronos Station. I made an error haha. Thanks for the catch.


	11. Chapter 11

It wasn't a surprise at all when news of Shepard's attack broke out over the regular comm lines, not to mention the frantic omni-tool messages being sent, and if that hadn't been enough to alert everyone, then Grunt and Wrex's yelling sure did the job. Which was strange because they hadn't been seen in a while.

James hurriedly geared up and grabbed his trusty shotgun with the orange omni-blade attached to it and quickly loaded it with a thermal clip with practiced fingers and packed as much ammo as he could carry. As he turned to leave his temporary leased room, James deliberated for a moment in front of the missile launcher he had received from Liara, should he take it with him just in case?

His omni-tool blipped and James turned on his heel half running and half walking out of the tiny one room apartment. There wasn't any time for this, he had to hurry and meet up with Lola before anything happened.

"I'm on my way towards Shepard's location." James spoke into his headpiece hoping that everyone got his message as he strained his ears listening for the distant sounds of gunfire and alarms that would lead him. Every minute that he spent deliberating which way he should go to get there the fastest was a minute that Shepard would be in danger.

"Send me a navpoint once you reach her. We'll send a shuttle over." Liara's voice fizzed in before cutting out as James leaped across a platform and slid down a ladder. From the sounds of it, Shepard was still alive. The gunfire had been constant with brief pauses when the soldiers took cover to reload their weapons.

James changed the frequency of the comm line in hopes of finding one that would connect with Shepard as he ran, "Shepard?" he panted but there was nothing, "Dammit." he cursed, it would take a while to scroll through all of the channels. Who knew which one Shepard was using right now especially since she didn't want enemies to hack into it and track her location with it.

A string of alarms went off and there was a loud explosion that made the hair on James' neck stand on end, "Lola!" he yelled in frustration as he flipped through the channels, "If you can hear this message contact me." he started to sprint towards the noise and realized that he would have to find someway across the platforms to the opposite side.

It looked like the fight was headed towards a car lot. Sweet.

"Lieutenant?" a voice suddenly came in through his headpiece.

The claws that seemed to constrict around his chest immediately released him, "Lola?" he almost hit himself when he heard the way he sounded. It was like a puppy dog tottering after its owner. But despite that, the relief he felt was immediate, "Everyone heard what happened. I'm on foot and headed your way. What's your location?" his training was starting to kick in and the soldier he was started to take over. James looked for a way across to the other side and spotted a bridge a few meters away.

"I'll send you my location." the reply was instantaneous before the line cut for good.

There was a ping and James checked his omni-tool to see that he had indeed received her location. She was steadily moving towards the car lot through a back alleyway.

"Alright, it's go time." he psyched himself up and began to sprint towards her location and as he neared the car lot, he spotted a side door into the building where two suspicious mercs were standing.

He quieted his breathing and ducked into the building using a display shuttle car for cover when he spotted a lithe figure through the other set of glass doors in front of him unknown to the enemies. James quickly stood up when he saw Shepard stumble a little before palming the doors open and in that second James shot them down using his shotgun and fist, "Contact with Shepard confirmed. Sending you our location." he quickly typed a few codes into the navigation program and sent it to Liara. Hopefully reinforcements would be coming soon, he could already sense an assload of mercs heading their way.

"James!" Shepard grinned and seemed to straighten up when she saw her lieutenant. She was talking as if they had coincidentally bumped into each other at the presidium while shopping. She walked over to the unconscious merc and stripped him of his weapons and ammo packs before moving onto the next one and doing the same.

"I heard about that fish place." James let out a laugh and flashed her a grin that he wasn't quite able to suppress as they both looked around to find a way out. He couldn't help feeling a little excited right now. Lola was fine, they were beating the shit out of the crazy pendejos, and it just felt like a regular good day for him.

Shepard made a face, "We'll talk about it later." she tried to brush it off as she spotted a darkened room and thinking that's where the gate controls were, she began to make her way there.

James followed after her making sure to keep an eye on their six as they went, "Come on, it's only the most popular place to eat on the Citadel." he teased, "They're booked for three years or something?" they stopped in front of the glass doors.

"We'll talk about it later." Shepard rolled her eyes and popped in a fresh thermal clip into her pistol, "I got this one." she said too impatient to talk to the scared Volus hiding inside.

James stopped her with a hand, "Let me." he made her lower her pistol and turned to the Volus inside and knocked on the glass window, "We just want to get out of here." he said softly, "So could you open the gates for please?" he asked.

There was a pause and then heavy breathing, "Leave please." a stuffed up voice replied. There was a soft mechanical whir as the large gates lowered themselves providing a way out.

James flashed Shepard a grin as he sauntered past her. He didn't need to say a single word, it was written all over his face.

Shepard frowned, "Well...I could have done that." she muttered to herself as she raised her pistol once more and followed after James.

...

It took a lot longer to clean up the mess and there were a lot of surprises along the way. Like meeting Shepard's clone for one. James shut his eyes for a moment and took a shot. Only with Shepard...he sighed and looked around to see that everyone had gone off into little groups and were talking amongst each other.

In the end they were all at Shepard's place getting piss drunk and engaging in conversation that they never had the opportunity to talk about with each other.

Maybe it was something about the type of music that was being played or the fact that they were in an apartment rather than a ship, but there was something different about the environment they were in right now. It was like the war wasn't even happening.

Shepard plopped next to James on the couch near the fireplace, "Having fun James?" she asked sipping her own drink. She leaned back in the seat looking relaxed and completely at home as she looked at her crew members, her friends just talking, laughing, and engaging in pointless competitions with each other. There was pride in her eyes and gentleness on her face as she watched with a small smile.

"I don't know Lola." James shrugged and poured himself another shot, "I think my kindergarten graduation was more exciting than this." he flashed her a grin and then threw back the shot of liquor. Not a bad aftertaste, he mused and looked at the bottle. _Crown Royale_...seriously? There were only about 100 bottles left and when he looked in the freezer he had seen 7 more bottles of it. How? One bottle cost more credits than buying two luxury shuttle cars and she had 7 more bottles lying around as if it were cheap Ryncol.

"Give it an hour James." Shepard gave him a knowing look, "You'll never want to leave." and with a grin she stood up and made her rounds talking to other people. She didn't even give him enough time to make a comeback.

James watched Shepard as discreetly as possible. It wasn't like he was trying to be creepy or anything, it's just that for some reason his gaze was always being drawn to wherever she was. This was a different side of Shepard he was seeing and for a few moments he could almost imagine what she would have been like if she hadn't joined N7. There was a loud whoop as Jack climbed onto Wrex's shoulders and began pumping her fists in the air when Grunt began to down drinks one after another recklessly.

A few hours passed with the party only getting louder and the people more drunk than sober. Grunt was half conscious in one of the showers while Garrus and Zaeed were going around the apartment rigging the windows, jacuzzi, and various kitchen appliances. EDI and Joker disappeared together while Liara, Samara, and Tali were drunkenly talking about catsuits upstairs. Miranda and Jack were somehow still downing shot after shot trying to see who could drink the most while Cortez and Wrex watched on in amusement.

James and Shepard somehow ended up alone together in her room talking and slowly sipping their drinks side by side on a couch.

"I guess you're a heavyweight." James watched Shepard down a shot and then take a sip from her cup. It was quiet inside her room compared to the noise that was coming from outside and they could hear laughter coming from the others.

Shepard laughed, "I'm not." she disagreed, "I just haven't been drinking much tonight is all." in truth, it wasn't because she didn't want to drink. It was more like she had been too busy to drink much. From restraining Wrex and Grunt from a headbutting match to smoothing out a potential war between Jack and Miranda, there had just been too many people to take care of.

"Well you're free to relax now." James grinned and leaned back in his seat, "No one to take care of here." he said with a knowing look on his face. Of course he noticed that Lola had been busy tonight making sure no accidents happened. Ever the responsible commander. But now with the party beginning to wind down, she could begin to relax, at least he would make sure that she did.

After all, it was her party and she deserved to let loose and de-stress more than anyone else.

"I don't know about that." Shepard laughed softly, "But I'll take you up on this offer." she took another sip of her drink and sighed. Her face was beginning to heat up and a slow creeping heaviness seemed to crawl along her veins.

There was a moment of silence as the two tried to organize their own thoughts. Although they had both thoroughly enjoyed the night with everyone there was something about spending time with just one other person.

"What do you think about the war?" James finally asked the question he had been itching to ask for a while. The topic had always been in the back of his head and although he had been doing what he could to forget about it for a few precious moments, the dark thoughts would always resurface. It was really happening. The war was real.

Shepard look at him in surprise and she hesitated to speak for a second, "I don't know." she softly said and then looked at her hands still holding onto the half-filled cup. And it was the truth. She didn't know what to think. It felt like just a regular war to her. But didn't it always seem like the end of the world to those involved in bloodshed? In that way there didn't seem to be a difference to her.

"Yeah...well I'm scared shitless." James played with the shot glass in his hand. He could feel the warmth from Shepard even though they weren't sitting close enough to touch. He never admitted it to anyone else before, but come on. Who wouldn't be scared?

There was a clink as Shepard poured herself another shot, "Who isn't?" she voiced the thoughts that he had been thinking, "But we're soldiers." she downed the liquor and set the glass down on the table in front of her, "We fight precisely because of fear." her bloodshot and glassy eyes found James' own bloodshot ones. There was a quiet conviction in her voice, as if she had already resigned herself to some fate, to the unknown.

It was_ this_ look that made James feel a twinge of fear. Not for him, not for the people, but for Shepard.

James let out a little laugh, "There's no winning you Lola." he pushed down that emotion and decided to ignore it even though he subconsciously knew it would bite him in the ass later on. He just didn't want any unnecessary things ruining the night. He didn't need that right now.

"Since I answered your question can you answer one of mine?" Shepard deliberated a moment before summoning up the courage to speak. To hell with everything, she thought to herself and downed her drink in the process, there was little chance of her survival so why not just wrap up everything tonight? If it was going to be her last night alive and whole, she might as well do whatever she wanted to right now.

"Sure." James shrugged his shoulders and turned his head to look at Lola waiting for her questions. He didn't know what she was going to ask but it seemed like it was a big deal to her considering her stone-faced hesitation. Maybe it was about the Collector mission with his former squad, hell it wasn't a big deal to talk about it to her now. Although he would never talk about it with anyone else.

"Sleep with me." Shepard suddenly blurted out and looked at James. Her face was red and whether it was from the alcohol or if it was a blush, or maybe both, he couldn't tell.

Silence crashed into the room as both people just sort of stiffened.

What in the...

James froze trying to comprehend what was happening. Had he heard right? 'Sleep with me'.

"Um.." he let out a nervous laugh and rubbed the back of his neck when feeling finally came back to his body, he looked at Shepard to make sure he hadn't been hearing things.

"Sleep with me." she repeated but didn't move. She was deliberately giving the choice to him. As officers of different rank something like this was a surprisingly significant decision. If Shepard did something and made the first move she would be using her rank above James (even if it's something she would never dream of doing) to coerce him into sleeping with her. However, if she didn't move then the choice was up to James to reject or consent.

James looked down at his hands. He wouldn't deny that he wanted to. Hell, looking down at his lower half he found that he couldn't deny it even if he wanted to since his body just seemed to be doing its own thing, "Lola..." there was frustration in his voice and he looked at her again. He felt so torn right now.

She had a guilty expression on her face and her gaze was turned down to her lap. If only her title didn't bother him so much..Why was this the hardest hurdle to overcome? Every movement and every word she uttered was important to James only because she was a CO and no matter how careful she was, the problem of being viewed as an authority figure would never go away. If anything, she embodied 'command'. She was a person to be obeyed no matter what, all because of her human given rank.

...


	12. Chapter 12

The seconds seemed to slowly slide by like water droplets splattered against a window on a rainy day. James and Shepard looked at each other in silence almost like prey and predator. Although right now it was unclear as to who was who or maybe they were both prey.

"Well first of all Lola." James tried to lighten the mood and ease the tension, "That wasn't a question." his heart was starting to beat faster despite all of his silent protests. It was too easy. She was making it so easy. James fought back an impending sense of anxiety.

There was nothing difficult about the choice but the struggle to do what was right (in his mind) was not an easy feat.

He worked hard to uphold who he was as a person, as a soldier. Yeah, maybe others thought that he was just some muscle-head and he would go for anything with long hair and breasts. All brawn and no brains. But he knew who he was, Shepard knew who he was.

He worked harder than anyone. Paid in spades with his blood, sweat, and more blood. He didn't have tears to spare, they weren't payment. It was a bonus slapped on the side.

Shepard blinked and then looked away. It seemed that he took too long to reach a decision and Shepard just gave him a small smile and stood up to walk away, "Forget about that lieutenant." she was acting as if the rejection wasn't a big deal. But maybe it really wasn't a big deal and she wasn't acting.

James' head snapped up and he looked at Shepard almost like a lost child. What was he supposed to do? He knew what he wanted but he also knew what he shouldn't want. If he went after this..went after her, there would be no going back. What should he do?

Go against what he was working to be, go against the person that he was.

"See you in the morning lieutenant." Shepard gave him a two finger salute and turned her back on him. She made sure her face was arranged properly into a genuine smile before beginning to walk.

Fuck it. James thought to himself and he grabbed her wrist feeling alive and hyper aware in the moment, "Wait Lola." he tugged her back gently to keep her from walking away from him. His hands were cold and his heart was beating faster than it ever had before.

Shepard's eyes were opened wide but she didn't say anything and instead waiting patiently for what he was going to say next.

"Just wait..." James said looking deep into her eyes there was a pause in his words before he found it in himself to push the words out, "I can't now." he gently brought her into his arms and hugged her to his chest. God, she was warm and soft and just felt right, "But just wait a little bit." he brought his hands down to her surprisingly slim waist and let them slide back up to her lean torso.

He took a deep breath trying to restrain himself from doing anything more. Because right now, this was enough. This was perfect.

He felt a hand slide up his chest and wrap around his neck bringing him down so that he was directly in front of Shepard's face. Her expression was tinged with sadness but a soft smile still curved her lips, "Is that a promise Vega?" she let her fingers stroke the back of his neck.

"It's a promise." he whispered back and let his own rough fingers trail down the sides of her face. Softly. Gently. A shock of exhilaration shot through him as he stared into Shepard's eyes. She was in his arms, she was...letting him name the terms and she didn't push for anything else.

He knew Lola wasn't the type to force her way into something. She was never one to use her status or power to get what she wanted. But it was still something that made James' chest thud with some unexplainable emotion.

Somehow they ended up on her bed entangled within each other's arms with the sheets underneath them. There was nothing that could be heard now, the laughter and music had died away when the night took over. And all that was left behind were the remaining bits of the odd murmurs, the deep even breaths the rest of the crew members took while they slept and the occasional drunken stagger to the bathroom as they did what they could to puke in the toilet bowl rather than around it.

James could smell the faint scent of roses and rainfall from Shepard as she shifted in his arms. He never knew she could carry the scent of something else other than gun oil and smoke. There was complete peace settling inside of him and for once in what seemed to be a long time he felt like he could relax, "Por dios Lola." James sighed and closed his eyes as he absently rubbed a thumb up and down her shoulder.

"What?" Shepard seemed to snuggle in deeper into his arms and rest her head against his chest. He smelled of leather, soap, and gun oil even in his regular civilian clothing.

"I don't know." he let out a chuckle and opened his eyes, "I just..." there was a pause as he tried to organize his thoughts, "This should have happened sooner." was all he could say. A far cry from what he wanted to say or express but it was the best he could do.

Neither one of them wanted to acknowledge what they were going to face tomorrow.

He was so stupid. He should have taken this step sooner. What had there been to think about? What had he struggled over?

His ideals. His ambitions. Himself.

"We have time." Shepard whispered. She would take a couple of hours with him rather than nothing at all.

"It's not much." James half growled pressing his lips on her temple for a moment before turning away. He wanted more but he would wait. This night was too good to ruin it with that lust coiled up tightly inside of him.

He would wait.

There was a quiet laugh, "We'll have our time." she traced patterns absently on his chest savoring the warmth from his body. It was the kind of warmth that only a human was capable of producing.

"I'm holding you to it commander." he teased and flinched a little when she smacked him on the chest but pulled her closer to him when she started to pull away.

"Don't call me that." Shepard laughed and tried to frown but failed when he kissed her softly instead. He tasted of whiskey, smoky and a little sour.

They exchanged sleepy whispers while lying there in each other's arms and occasionally traded kisses when one of them got an overwhelming sensation of loss. The two missed each other even when they were looking into each other's eyes. It almost felt like some college romance. Almost.

Neither of them noticed the figure that had been intending to wake them up for the day quietly slink away from the door to leave them alone with each other. The two together made a picture that was difficult to interrupt. Wrapped up in their intimacy, the level of emotions that were being displayed to each other seemed to create another dimension.

The day cycle had just begun and with it, the Citadel was beginning to awaken. Artificial lighting resembling the eerie glow of dawn on earth, or any planet for that matter was emerging gradually through the cracks in the shut windows. Shuttle cars were gradually beginning to fill the air forming the invisible traffic lines that lead to various destinations. In a large trashed apartment there were roughly 16 individuals still laying down where they had drunkenly fallen asleep some alone, some together, their eyes opened slowly as they awoke one by one (with the exception of Grunt) and absently looked at the space in front of them. No one moved, no one said anything, they all just seemed to soak in the present.

The silence was beautiful.

A moment of reprieve from what they were all going to be facing next.

The day had just begun.


	13. Chapter 13

James stood silently in front of the door waiting for it to open. He wished that somehow, the door would open up to the place he had seen Shepard last.

But wishes right?

There was a sudden acute awareness that made him pause and take a painful breath. He could see the sun rising outside, the light streaming in through the cracks of the doors and through the windows. A new day already. Peaceful and quiet as if the hell they had witnessed on earth was nothing but a dream, already fading away.

The doors opened silently and he stepped out into the cool air and the bright light.

They had made it. They had survived. But the key person that made it all possible wasn't there. The hole she had left behind was gaping and ragged.

No one said anything but everyone was feeling it. Without her strong presence and guidance, they were just a ragtag crew who had gone through a shit hole. Barely holding together as it was. There was no celebatory atmosphere, in fact, it felt like a funeral. Everyone quiet and expressionless.

It just wasn't the same without her.

No one said anything as they all just stood there taking in the rising sun, taking in the day, taking in life. There was nothing that could be said.

James could still remember everything that had happened. Who could forget?

The eerie light of the transport beam casting a bright light on everything. Dousing everything in greys and whites, giving it all a dreamlike quality. The only color was the red reaper beams cutting through everything. Husks running at people, soldiers getting decimated by the reaper ground forces, tanks cut in half and tossed up in the air by reapers. The noise was deafening, the ground was constantly shaking, debris was flying everywhere. It was chaos.

And there they had been, the three of them in the middle of it all. Shepard, Garrus, and him all running towards the beam dodging bullets and tanks, and shooting down husks and marauders. The adrenaline rushing through their bodies, the feeling of invincibility that seemed to course in their veins, the freedom that the battlefield presented.

Then of course, at the most critical moment, it was James' luck that he got hit by a flying tank and grazed by a reaper beam that could have completely disintegrated him. He still hated himself for that, not being able to stay with Shepard, not being able to do anything for her.

Lola cared too much about her crew. She was always there standing in front of them taking the brunt of the pain, the tragedies, the hardships.

And even during a fucking war with all life in the galaxy hanging in the balance, she wanted to save the Normandy, the crew, her friends.

Talk about pulling a stunt. James jumped down onto the dirt floor and looked around at the peaceful environment. Wildlife untouched by dirty hands.

"There's a lot to do lieutenant." Garrus said in a matter of fact way that reminded James that Garrus was a Turian. Although, it was obvious that the absence of his greatest friend was tearing him apart inside just as much as it was anyone else.

Joker didn't say anything, he had been silent ever since everyone realized they had won. The ship had been silent for a time now.

"You think we can make it back somehow?" James spotted a rock and sat on it and he looked at Garrus who was sizing the ship up. The crew had managed to figure out that the mass relays had gone to hell when they tried to make a jump back to the Sol system. Nothing was really working anymore.

"Who do you think you're talking to?" Scars drawled as his mandibles twitched. His voice was a hoarse rumble.

James laughed softly, "Glad to see that some things didn't change." he commented absently.

His mind went back to Lola.

He could still remember the way she looked at him before she turned her back on the crew and ran towards the beam by herself.

Hell...he could remember with disturbing clarity how she looked before turning her back on him in a way that felt like it would be the final time.

Face flushed from exerting herself, eyes sharp and alert, the curve of her lips hinting at fear, the way her brows knitted together unconsciously. The coldness that peaked through the gentle expression on her face as she looked at him. It had been a strange contrast, and one that James couldn't figure out no matter how many times his mind went back to that moment.

There had been blood on her face, her armor, and even in her hair. She had smelled distinctly of gun oil and smoke.

"Go!" she had yelled as loud as she could over the sounds of the ongoing fight.

Without thinking, James had reached out to grab her before she left, but he had been too late, his fingers had only grasped at air. He could only watch as she ran pathetically draped around Scars' shoulder.

There had been a renewed determination on her face as she turned away and she radiated power.

What a sight to see, he had thought to himself staring after Lola even when the doors had closed and he couldn't see her anymore.

"Are you thinking about her?" a voice interrupted his thoughts.

"What?" James looked up to see that Joker was standing front of him although he didn't know how long the pilot had been there.

"You're thinking about her aren't you?" the pilot was uncharacteristically serious, it didn't need to be said that Shepard was the person in question. This was the first time he had spoken after being hit with the realization that EDI was gone.

They could hear the rest of the crew members begin to walk out of the ship and stretch out their limbs, assess the damage of the Normandy, and just make conversation with each other. Anything to distract themselves of the situation at hand.

"Yeah.." James replied quietly. There was no use denying it now. Something in his gut told him that Shepard was gone, "I'm thinking about her all the time now." He didn't want to believe it, he wanted to hope, but he was weak...

Joker nodded slightly and pulled his cap over his eyes hiding them from view. He didn't say anything else as he slowly hobbled off.

James could only look straight ahead of himself now. He wanted to see her. Even if it was just a corpse. He just needed to see her with his own eyes. He remembered the last night they had spent together. The warmth her body exuded, the smell of her hair. The way she laughed and looked up at his face as she lie down next to him.

He shut his eyes and buried his head into his hands trying to get himself together. He didn't want to break apart. Not right now. James took a sharp breath and looked up trying to ground himself in the present. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing. He was alive.

"I am yours of course." Shepard's voice whispered in his mind. His memories of her refused to hide even for a second, "I'm yours and no one else's." there had been a smile on her face as looked into his eyes and said those very words.

But how wrong she was.

She had never belonged to him.

She had never belonged to anyone.

She hadn't even belonged to herself.

Not the Alliance, not Cerberus, not even humanity.

She belonged to the world.

The world had already claimed her once with space being the lucky one to swallow her whole for a brief moment and when she had been wrenched from its grasp thanks to the Lazuras Project...James gritted his teeth and looked down at the ground, the dirt under his feet. The world had come back with a vengeance, and determined to take her back had brought a war with it.

"Mine." he had whispered as he buried his face into the slope of her neck and planted a soft kiss on her warm skin almost with reverence.

It wasn't about owning anything or anyone when they had uttered those words. It wasn't about that kind of twisted possessiveness that lovers occasionally felt with each other.

I will endure you.

They only had one night together.

I miss you Lola. James exhaled sharply and tried to stave away the waves of pain that were beginning to pull him under. Their time together had been too short, the kisses exchanged not enough...It had only been the beginning for them.

"Holding up okay there?" a voice interrupted James' thoughts making him look up to see who it was. Esteban.

"Yeah." James mumbled and straightened up a little as the shuttle pilot stopped a few feet from him. There was no pity on the dark face that stared back at him, in fact there only seemed to be a resigned acceptance of what had happened. It happens to the best of us.

"Mr. Vakarian told me to tell you that a Geth dreadnought was coming in to help us with repairs." his voice was smooth and almost nonchalant. Cortez looked away from James' face and turned his eyes elsewhere. The way James looked right now painfully reminded him of the time he had lost his own love.

James didn't bother asking how the Geth knew they were there or how they were coming to this forsaken planet. He didn't care.

There was a comfortable silence as the two men sank into their own thoughts for a while. They were okay not filling the air with meaningless small talk. Sometimes, sharing silence was the best form of communication.

"How did you handle it?" James asked almost inaudibly. He felt so awkward asking but he had to know. Esteban probably understood him better than anyone right now...well him and Joker, but the Normandy pilot seemed to shut everything out with EDI gone. He seemed to prefer time to himself rather than the company of others.

Cortez looked at James a little bit startled at the question. He wasn't expecting him to talk about it at all, in fact he had been ready to leave since it seemed more likely that James would turn him away.

The question wasn't an easy one to answer and he knew that Mr. Vega wouldn't accept anything but honesty. He paused wondering if he should say it. Would it do more harm than good? Cortez looked at the hunched figure of James, "I didn't." his voice was soft and the wind seemed to blow his words away scattering them to different places on the foreign planet.

James let out a sharp laugh and sighed, "I get it." he stood up with a little groan and stretched out the kinks in his lower back. Being a soldier aged him too fast, "Thanks Esteban." he patted the bewildered shuttle pilot on the shoulder once before walking back to where the Normandy was crash landed.

He didn't handle it. James couldn't help but let a wry smile take over his mouth. How could anyone handle it?

He hadn't done anything for her.

Nothing, even up to the last moment they had shared.

What had been the point of him being there when he couldn't do anything?


	14. Chapter 14

"I thought you said it was the Geth that were coming to help us." James muttered to Scars as they watched a squad of Quarians disembark from the Geth dreadnought. They had apparently remodeled the ship to fit their own purposes now that the Geth were all gone. Everyone else but Joker, Garrus, and James were excitedly mingling with the newly arrived help. The three preferred to stand off a little bit away from the hype and just look on instead.

The Turian just shrugged a little awkwardly, "I kind of forgot that the Geth were gone..." his sub tones seemed to pitch up higher than usual, "You know, mistakes happen and they did come in a Geth dreadnought." he pointed out as if it was enough to defend him.

James just rolled his eyes but didn't say anything more. The Turian did have a point, there was so much going on right now that it was hard to keep with the altered state of the galaxy. The reality that they had known for years had been changed drastically, "Where's Sparks?" he asked noting that the Quarian had not shown up.

"She's back on Rannoch helping rebuild the colonies." Garrus replied absently as he fiddled with his omni-tool. He had managed to get it working after throwing it against the floor in a fit of rage. Apparently the normal ways of trying to fix things weren't working too well.

"Gonna go visit her after all of this is figured out?" James couldn't help but to grin at Garrus when he froze, "Aw come on Scars, you can't honestly believe that none of us noticed." he elbowed the Turian in the side careful not to hurt himself.

"Yes...well." Garrus cleared his throat and began to fiddle even more with his omni-tool, "It was just to blow off steam." the last statement came out as a half mumble and tapered off awkwardly into the air.

James just chuckled to himself when the Turian made some excuse about calibrations and walked off mechanically to join the others in the plans to fix the Normandy. Scars was never one to get into personal stories unless it had something to do with headshots and killing stuff. Specifically killing the 'bad guys'.

The lieutenant glanced at the group gathered around the makeshift table before disappearing into the Normandy alone. The ship was silent as he walked into the CIC and the air was cool. His footsteps made clanking sounds as he walked over to the elevator and palmed it. It was nothing short of a miracle that the ship still worked.

There was a hiss and then the elevator doors slid open and James stepped inside. Without even thinking, his hand palmed the floor to Shepard's cabin and for a second James froze. He had been meaning to go down to the shuttle bay to organize his things. He moved to press the button for the shuttle bay but the doors had already opened to the entrance of Shepard's quarters and he found himself staring at the doors unable to move.

For a moment there was a painful throbbing in his chest that told him to close the doors and turn away but James took a deep breath, steeled himself and then took a step forward. He didn't know what to expect from doing this but there was something compelling about this. Maybe somehow he would be able to feel Shepard's presence or something...Shit, he was turning all weird now.

James impulsively palmed the doors open and without waiting for anything he stepped inside of the room. The doors closed behind him with a metallic click and for a moment James could only look around the messy quarters. There was a strange pressure in his throat as he spotted the model ships lying around the floor, some still whole and some in pieces from the rough landing. Her hardsuits were scattered on the floor around her desk along with a pack of thermal clips and SMG mods. He could almost see Shepard sitting in the crooked chair at the desk and grinning up at him.

The silence in the room seemed to oppress James and his ears rang as he walked over to the unmade bed this time and took a seat on it. The emptiness that Shepard left behind had never felt bigger than it did in this moment.

"James?" a voice startled the lieutenant and in a panic he looked up towards the sound of the voice.

It was Liara. Her face was touched with concern as she stood at the entrance unsure of herself, "I-I'm sorry." she offered an apology, "I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave or..." she hesitated as her voice trailed off.

"It's fine." James stood up and cleared his throat, "I was just about to leave anyway." he shrugged and then quickly exited the cabin. As he walked past Liara he saw the look of sorrow on her face but he couldn't bring himself to say anything as he got into the elevator.

They were all hurting.

.-.-.

It had taken a few days to finally get the repairs done and by then, comm lines had been brought back up and mass relays in the immediate areas had been replaced by ones the Quarians had made. The jumping process was a bit different and a little rocky but they still worked nonetheless and improvements were being constantly made.

There had been cheers and much drinking (of what was left of the liquor) when the ship was finally able to launch into space. Almost as good as new despite the intermittent jerk in the air.

"Guys ready to make the jump back to earth?" Joker's voice was being heard by everyone over the ship's intercom. Over the last few days he had recovered small bits of his old self, but he would never be the same as before, "ETA...a few hours..blabla." his voice cut off as he turned the intercom off.

Garrus had done his best over the few days to control the situation and assume the position of a commander, although anyone could see how much he was struggling with it. Being a commander wasn't exactly his cup of ryncol. He could do it if there was a need, but he preferred not to if he could help it. Something about it felt a little wrong especially when he was taking over the position that Shepard had originally held.

James tapped his foot on the floor as he took apart an SMG and began to clean the separate parts with a grease rag. He was back in the shuttle bay trying to get his mind off of going back to earth. There were so many questions that he had but above anything and everything else, he wanted to be able to see Shepard. Dead or alive, he wanted to see her. It had been difficult to contact HQ even though the comm lines were back up, there were still alot of technical issues that had to be worked over. Messages had been given and sent but very slowly and sometimes not at all, he had tried to confirm Shepard's status multiple times but for some reason the messages were either never sent or never received. Video calls were out of the question, they always cut out.

Feeling impatient and irritated, he had stopped trying and had just decided to wait until getting back to earth, however, as anyone could guess. It was probably one of the most difficult thing that James had to do.

There was a jerk and James held onto his table to keep from falling over onto the floor. They had made the jump. It would only be a matter of time before reaching earth now. Only a couple of hours.

I'm on my way Shepard. James could feel excitement build up in his chest as he set down the rag and SMG mod. He didn't know what to expect from earth and frankly, he didn't give a damn.

Whatever was left of Shepard, he wanted to see. He needed to see.

Be it a dog tag, a helmet, or part of her armor.

He needed to see.


	15. Chapter 15

When James slept he always dreamed of her.

And it was always the same dream.

He sighed and slowly sat up in the darkness trying to blink away the dream and orient himself to his room. Instead of sleeping in the crew quarters like everyone else, James preferred to sleep on his cot in the shuttle bay. Something about the privacy in the bay was more to his liking right now rather than sharing a room with a bunch of other people.

The dreams always left a weight pressing against his chest and a bad taste in his mouth.

James checked the time on his omni-tool.

0300

"Dammit." he muttered and let his head rest in his hands. The thin cot squeaked a little underneath him and he almost wanted to just throw it across the shuttle bay. Everything was irritating him lately. Probably from lack of sleep. Ever since he'd had those dreams, he was never able to sleep for more than a few hours a night. The strange thing was that he never felt fatigued.

They were still en route to the sol system and the jump back to earth wasn't proving as easy as everyone made it out to seem. Especially with the change in mass relays which made Joker grumble and make snarky comments a lot more than usual because the jumps always seemed to take something off the Normandy. First it was the tip of the left wing and the second jump shaved off a metal plate from the top of the ship. The first time it happened everyone could hear Joker wail from the cockpit.

5 more hours. They only had 5 more hours until they reached earth.

James rubbed his eyes and then turned his body so that his feet were now on the cold floor. The silent hum (with the occasional clanking sounds) were the only noises that could be heard and it strangely gave him a peace of mind. Something that he couldn't find anywhere else.

Standing up, James stretched out his arms and turned on the light at his table, squinting at the sudden brightness James then fumbled around the area until his hands touched the cold metal bars of the weights he had set aside. If all else fails, exercise will fix it. Trying not to think of anything else, he started his reps hoping that the physical strain would somehow lift some of the weight off his mind.

-.-.

A few hours had passed and while James was finishing up taking a shower, everyone had woken up and was gathering around the dining table for breakfast when Joker's voice suddenly came over the intercom.

"Um...you guys might want to see this." his voice was quiet and then the speakers went silent.

James froze as he toweled his hair dry and then he hurriedly threw his clothes on and ran out out of the shower and straight towards the cockpit ignoring everyone else. He didn't know why he ran, he just did, and when he got to the cockpit, he was alone with Joker. Everyone had gone to the observation deck instead.

"What is it?" he asked and looked at the silent pilot who just pointed out the window wordlessly. Something about Joker's expression made James reluctant to look and for a moment he refused to turn his head. He was afraid.

But it couldn't be avoided and sooner or later he would have to see for himself. Steeling himself, James turned his head and let his eyes adjust to the darkness of space and when he saw what was out there he felt his body tense up, "Shit." James cursed under his breath.

They had made the last jump to the sol system and they were now in plain view of earth. It was not the earth that made them go silent however, but what seemed to be surrounding the planet.

"Is that supposed to be what's left of the Citadel?" Joker asked, his body seemed to shrink as realization began to sink in.

James could feel his hands curl up into fists. It was difficult to hold back from tearing himself out of there. He just wanted to leave, he didn't want to see any of this. They had not known what was going to happen to the Citadel much less the consequences that the Prothean device would bring but this was...

"Fuck this shit." James managed to spit and he stalked out of the cockpit trying to keep his anger and despair at bay. There was nothing left of the place. Maybe blackened pieces and some melted items that couldn't be identified. But the spread of debris was massive and seemed to blanket the whole planet.

Then what about Shepard? What about Lola? She couldn't have still been there when the place blew to bits right? She would have found a way out?

He slammed his fist against the elevator button and when the doors opened he pressed the button for the shuttle bay hoping that he wouldn't see anyone there. His hopes were dashed only adding to his anger when he saw the lone presence of Esteban in the shuttle bay working at his table. But what could James do? There was nowhere else to go and it was guaranteed that if he went anywhere else people would hound him about his feelings.

At least Esteban could read the mood.

Cortez looked up when he heard someone enter the shuttle bay and saw James stalking over to his own place without a word or glance his way. He had expected this in a way but it was scarier than he had anticipated. The silence that James held was in its own way terrifying and comparable to when Shepard got serious about finding a way to destroy someone. He was a little weary of how Mr. Vega would act out later on.

James immediately headed for the punching bag set up in the corner and without waiting for anything he swung his fist at the already worn bag. The impact against his calloused knuckles sent a shock up his arm and the bag swung wildly but he swung again. His mind had gone blank and the only thing left was the shell of someone he had once been.

-.-.

"I shouldn't have said anything." Joker spoke bitterly to Cortez. He felt guilty about showing James what he thought the lieutenant wanted to see.

The Normandy was still in orbit waiting for a path to be cleared and for a docking port to be opened in London. The crew members had come and gone one by one notifying Joker quietly about what happened to James. The one who decided to stay was Cortez who had left when James had started to swing at the punching bag wildly.

"Don't worry Mr. Joker." Cortez reassured the panicking pilot, "He's not mad at you." he was leaning against the control board of the Normandy which had been inactivated just in case an inappropriate button was pushed. For some reason, he found himself in the position of helping others now more than ever...which was ironic in itself when it was Shepard who had helped him through the worst parts of it when no one else had.

"I know but it still leaves me with a bad feeling." Joker mumbled. His eyes were still glued to the scene outside. The moment that they had landed from the jump Joker had almost fallen out of his seat in shock when he was confronted with the view. The Citadel he had expected to see was gone and in its place was wreckage and debris.

Cortez was silent for a moment as he crossed his arms over his chest, "I hope the commander is okay though." his voice was quiet and almost inaudible but in the small cockpit and silence the words seemed louder than ever.

Joker looked away from the view and opted to look up instead. His cap casting a shadow over his eyes, "Well, we can't have everything turn into a happy ending." his voice was bitter. No he didn't hate Shepard for the consequences that her actions brought how could he? He was just cynical like that. He wasn't a fan of thinking positively. Realistic was the way to go, in his book at least.

And realistically speaking...there was no way Shepard could have survived.

Cortez turned his eyes downward. Yeah...realistically speaking there was no way that even the commander could have survived...

There was a sudden beep that startled Cortez and Joker from their serious contemplating and for a moment the two men could stare at the flashing button indicating that a message had been patched through.

"Are you going to get that?" Cortez asked after a pause and glance at Joker who had just frozen.

"It's a message." Joker's voice was faint and there was some kind of unidentifiable emotion lurking in it.

"I understand Mr. Joker, but aren't you going to answer it?" Cortez asked feeling a little confused. It was just a message, probably from Hackett or another Alliance officer alerting them that they could dock.

"No you don't understand." Joker's voice was panicked and he looked at Cortez, "See the color?" he pointed a shaking finger at the button, "It's red, it's flashing red!" he was starting to breathe hard.

"I see that Mr. Joker." Cortez turned his full attention to the panicking pilot trying to figure out what was going on, "What does the red color mean?"

Joker took a deep calming breath and looked at Cortez, "That color is coded to Shepard." his voice turned into a whisper.

Cortez felt himself go cold and they both looked at the blinking light.


	16. Chapter 16

There was silence and then suddenly Joker pushed the button gingerly to let the pending message play out.

Much to their dismay, it wasn't a live video but rather audio.

The ship intercom suddenly blared to life and they heard something clattering in the background, "Is this on?" they heard the familiar voice mutter and then a huff, "Oh..yeah." there was a sheepish chuckle and then a clack.

"Shepard?" Joker called out gingerly and glanced at Cortez as he did. There's no way in hell...Right? But the voice was undeniable, it was without a doubt, Shepard's voice.

No answer.

Joker frowned and this time Cortez said something, "Commander?" his voice was hesitant.

No answer.

There was a sudden sigh and then they heard Shepard muttering to herself once more before clearing her throat, "I don't know where to start...but if you guys are getting this, then this means the war is over and I'm gone. It's kind of weird recording this now when I can hear everyone outside my room. If I do this right, then this message should be sent to the Normandy a few weeks after the estimated date of the reaper termination."

Joker and Cortez froze.

"What's going on here?" they heard Liara demand to know from the entrance of the cockpit, behind her there was a line of confused crew members. No one commented on James' absence.

"Shh!" Joker held up a hand to silence anyone who felt the need to say something, "Just listen." he rolled his eyes. The excitement that he had felt earlier was gone in a flash and suddenly he felt stupid for expecting the impossible.

"I don't know what happened or what consequences my actions brought but if the reapers are gone then I have nothing to complain about. My job is done." there was a pause in the message and then, "It was fun you guys and I wouldn't have traded my time with all of you for anything. I want to thank you all for the service you guys dedicated and the sacrifices you all had to make for the success of this last mission."

In the background, everyone could hear the distant sounds of laughter and pieces of conversation going.

It was strange to think that they had been in Shepard's apartment doing other things at the same time she was recording this message...and knowing it was going to be her last potentially.

They looked down unable to look at each other. Had she felt alone? Even when they had been right outside her door no one noticed anything.

"Don't feel guilty about anything." Shepard's voice continued warmly almost as if she had known what they were going to be thinking and feeling, "In any case, it's been one hell of an adventure and I couldn't have done it without any of you. Now go get yourselves some drinks and have a good time. I'll be waiting for you guys on the other side." a pause, and then quietly, "Shepard out."

There was a click and then dead silence.

No one moved.

-.-.

In the shuttle bay James had stopped moving the moment he heard Shepard's voice through the ship intercom. For a moment he had thought that it really was Shepard speaking, that she was alive and well and contacting them.

He clenched his fists still standing in front of the now still punching bag. He needed to keep himself under better control. Of course he knew that it wasn't possible.

Suddenly feeling tired, James walked over to his cot and plunked down onto it. He just wanted to sleep for a good long while but no matter how he tried to fall asleep, the images of Lola wouldn't let him. He didn't want to see those dreams again if he could help it.

-.-.

There was still a shocked silence in the air as everyone tried to think of what to do or say.

Everyone in the cockpit was still.

Then, "You have another message Joker." Liara's voice broke the silence when a blue light started to flash.

Joker pressed the button on reflex, "This is the SSV Normandy SR-2. Joker speaking." his voice was listless.

"This is Alliance HQ officer Worthington speaking. SSV Normandy SR-2 is cleared for docking at number 3. There shouldn't be anymore debris in your path now. Also Admiral Hackett has requested an audience from everyone aboard the ship in conference room S5 as soon as the ship is docked." the voice was stoic and almost robotic as the officer spoke.

"Understood, Joker out." the Normandy pilot managed to push the last words out and then cut the light as he activated the main control board and began to prep the Normandy for its descent back to earth, "Everyone heard that right?" he didn't look back.

"We got it." Liara spoke softly and then began to walk away back down to the crew quarters with everyone else. Whether it was because of shock or something else, no one was talking about Shepard's message.

Cortez put a hand on Joker's shoulder for a second and then walked away as well. The best thing they could all do was try to move on with their lives. That was the reason why she thought to send a message like that right? To make sure no one was moping around and degenerating into poor excuses of soldiers?

-.-.

The conference room was large, filled with dust, and empty. It was one of those rooms that had been lucky enough to escape being used as a safehouse for people during the reaper invasion or from being completely destroyed by red beams. The tables inside were connected and formed a large oval in the middle of the room with black chairs around it. It seemed so old school compared to the more up to date conference rooms using holographs and screens for data transfers and viewing.

Everyone sat a little spread out from one another in the room, some talking, some silent, but most just tired and devoid of energy.

When they had disembarked from the Normandy the bridge of the docking bay had been bottlenecked with people, the halls were overflowing, there were hundreds of cameras hovering above their heads, and to top it all off, there had been banners made with everyone's faces on them. It was like some celebrity fan meeting. Everyone screamed and cheered and hustled to try and get a look at their favorite Normandy crew member but thankfully the Alliance had provided them with extra security detail as if anticipating that this have happened. The crew members, at the very least were able to walk a few feet without being pulled into the crowd.

"Are you feeling better now Mr. Vega?" Cortez asked James who was sitting in the very back of the conference room away from everyone else. He was quiet as he sat next to the scowling lieutenant. There had been a few issues with James and his 'fans' as he walked down the hallway trying to get to the conference room. The first time someone grabbed his hand he just shook it off and told himself to ignore it but after what seemed to be the hundredth time of people grabbing at whatever they could touch, James had almost lost it.

Liara had to put up a biotic barrier around the overzealous admirer and two other people had to restrain James before he could pull his fist back. It was...uncharacteristic of him to say the least. To prevent anything else from happening, Traynor, muttering words of apology had shoved Garrus into the face of the crowd before Liara took off with James.

The turian...well, he had been a valuable and unforgettable sacrifice. To say that he was stripped of his dignity would be putting it mildly.

"No." James mumbled, the dark look on his face seemed to be permanently etched there and showed no sign of disappearing.

Cortez nodded more to himself than to James as they sat side by side to each other. No one else approached James, rather, no one could approach him. The lieutenant could be a master at making himself distant from everyone else, something that was new to everyone else.

"It's just..." James half growled and half sighed, "Did you see them out there?" he looked at Cortez, his eyes were full of anguish yet his face bore hatred and anger, "The way they idolized us." his hands had curled into fists, "The way they forgot about Lola." he spat and looked away. He couldn't help feeling angry. Was that all Shepard had been to them? Had she just been a convenient war hero? Had her sacrifices and hard work meant nothing?

"You know that no one would ever forget the commander." Cortez gently pointed out, he knew where Mr. Vega was coming from but to the civilians who had never been close to her, they couldn't be expected to understand.

James suddenly sighed, "Yeah Esteban...I know." he suddenly seemed to deflate, "There's just a lot going on for me right now. Sorry." there was a sense of defeat coming from the lieutenant. It didn't need to be said that he was still having a hard time coping with everything.

"It's nice to have everyone back." a voice suddenly brought the soldiers to attention.

Hackett walked into the room accompanied with one other Alliance soldier that everyone recognized as Bailey. The Admiral looked haggard and thinner than ever before but the strength and authority in his eyes had not diminished, "No need to get up." he held up a hand when everyone moved to stand and salute, "I'm sure you're all tired."

No one said anything but there were a few nods going around.

"The reason why I gathered Commander Shepard's crew here is for a couple of reasons." Hackett jumped straight into the meeting, "The first, being that there will be an official ceremony held to honor the soldiers who gave their lives to help end the war, Bailey will send you more details later." there was a pause now, and then Hackett sighed, "The second reason I called you all here was to tell you about Commander Shepard."

There was cold silence.

They never seemed able to get away from her did they? Even when she was gone.

James shut his eyes almost unwilling to hear anymore. He had enough for now. Maybe it was time for him to retire? No...N7, he was going to be N7 and he was going to make Lola proud. Whatever it took.

"We have sent out search teams after the confirmed defeat of the reaper forces. They have managed to recover Anderson's body but..." Hackett paused, "Commander Shepard's body has been confirmed to be missing. Currently there are no traces of her that can be found."

Despite the news, no one was surprised. How could there be traces? She had been caught in an explosion that had decimated the Citadel. How could any portion of a human survive that? It was a miracle that Anderson's body had been recognizable as a body and not a chunk of charcoal as horrible as that sounded.

"However...there have been interesting rumors lately." Hackett continued and he took a seat at the head of the conference table with Bailey still standing behind him, "We have been getting reports of sightings of Shepard."

There was an immediate buzz of conversation and whispers around the conference that only stopped when Hackett cleared his throat, "I have a significant portion of our agents working on uncovering this rumor but I'm afraid that it's not enough, whoever this person is, she is very skilled. And there are too many tasks to accomplish and our people are limited." he looked around the table.

James felt his face contort slightly. This had to be some sort of sick joke. No, he would not believe this rumor. If he believed it and this rumor turned out to be just that, a rumor, then he wouldn't be able to take it.

"Regrettably, I'm not able to assign everyone here with helping to confirm whether these are just rumors or not, the most I can spare is one person." Hackett held up a hand silencing the beginning sounds of protests, "I know, but right now there's nothing that even I can do. Alliance HQ needs all the soldiers it can get to rebuild and clean up this mess that the reapers left behind." the admiral sighed tiredly and rubbed his eyes, "The most I was able to plead from the top is one person."

Everyone frowned and Liara was about to open her mouth to say something in protest but Hackett just shook his head, "I know that nothing is more important than finding Shepard but this was all I could do." there was a weariness in his voice that made it difficult for anyone to argue, "Besides this, there is no definite confirmation about Shepard's survival. We will have to continue with the assumption that Shepard is..deceased." the admiral took a deep breath before continuing, "So with all of that said, is there anyone who would like to volunteer?" he looked around the table.

Suddenly James felt everyone looking at him, "What?" he looked back at them in confusion and then it dawned on him, "Oh come on guys, I'm sure there are better people here to ask." it's not that he didn't want to look for Lola, on the contrary, he was itching to go searching for her...if she was alive that is. If he could help it, he didn't want to get too involved in this rumor. In the end it would only hurt him.

Hackett let out a small grin, "Lieutenant Vega, you are hereby assigned to finding out the truth about these rumors and if it comes down to it, confirming Commander Shepard's death."

James frowned feeling a little irritated, but he couldn't turn down orders from a higher ranking officer, "Yessir." he nodded robotically. He had too many mixed feelings about this right now.

"My team will be sending you more details and information regarding this case soon." Hackett stood up, "Bailey will give you rooms to stay in for the time being and if you need anything contact an Alliance officer. Your new assignments will be coming in a week so rest up while you can." he turned to Garrus and Liara, "If either of you need to go somewhere just tell an officer and we can arrange something, other than that you two are also free to stay as long as you'd like." Hackett then turned to everyone and saluted, "Good work everyone. The galaxy thanks you for your sacrifices." Admiral Hackett smiled and then walked out of the conference room.

"The galaxy huh?" James muttered as he watched the doors slide close behind the admiral.

"He seems like a grandfather." Liara murmured, "Like the ones that I've been told about by other humans."

Garrus snorted.


	17. Chapter 17

The first thing Shepard became aware of when she regained consciousness was that there was no way she could move her extremities. Her lower half was buried under rubble, her arms were pinned behind her in some weird position that made her certain that they were broken. When she opened her eyes, she found that she couldn't see anything and after a brief moment of panic, she realized that she was looking up at a small cave of debris that her head had managed to get stuck in.

Surprisingly, there was no noise, no sounds of life around her. Only the sound of the wind scraping against the rubble of what she assumed was what the Citadel had once been. Had the fight been won? She was so sure that her choice had been correct. She had to believe that.

The taste of grit and dust in her mouth made her face screw up in a grimace as she tried to turn her head and spit. How long had she been stuck here? How long had she been out? What happened to everyone? Her mind wandered back to James and then to the rest of the crew. But enough about that, she had to figure out a way to get out of this.

Her mind returned to her present condition and she wracked her brain trying to think of something. But all her body wanted to do was sleep. The cybernetics and biotic implants were draining her of energy just to keep up a minimal level of performance, and with no food or other source of energy, the robotics turned to her body's storage breaking down fat and protein. At this rate, people would find her body days later and realize that it hadn't been reapers or a bullet in her head that had done her in but the fact that she was starving to death. Oh the irony...the implants were destroying her body to try and keep her alive.

A massive headache slammed her head just then and Shepard let out a wince as she tried to breathe evenly. She knew this feeling very well. In fact, she reckoned that all biotic users knew it well. It happened when the implants were using more energy than was replaced, the sugar that her brain needed to function was being absorbed by the other parts of her body leaving her brain cells deprived.

Suddenly there was the crunch of footsteps growing closer to her. Something she had missed being too caught up in her own thoughts and predicament.

Shepard tensed feeling a great sense of unease at the inability to know who it was. Every instinct in her body was crying out for her to move, to do something but she was had never felt so vulnerable in her life before...except when she had stared up at the thresher maw back on Akuze moments before it destroyed everyone and everything around her.

There was a pause and she could sense that whoever it was, had stopped right beside her exposed torso. She felt a hand at her collarbone and she did everything she could to prevent herself from flinching. The hand was rough but slim and small, it grappled with something on her neck and then there was a click. She felt something light slither across her neck and heard soft metallic clinks as it was pulled away from her. Her dog tags had just been taken.

"This is a report of confirmation." a voice suddenly spoke, it was small and high but not human. Salarian most likely, "We have found the subject. I repeat we have found the subject."

Confusion flooded Shepard as she tried to remain coherent enough to figure out what was going on.

There were a few moments of silence as the unknown person was presumably listening to more orders, "Understood Captain." the voice spoke, "I will confirm her status and call in a team."

Shepard could feel herself getting hazy and start to lose consciousness once more. It seemed as though her body couldn't take it anymore, the pull of energy from her body to keep her implants working was only getting larger by the minute. For now, it was possible that whoever these people were, they were here to help. It was all she could hope for at the moment. And as her mind grew more distant, her consciousness fading, she was left with the last fleeting images of James she couldn't help but to remember as she sank into the depths of sleep.

-.-.

Waking up was not pleasant to say the least.

There was a constant beeping beside her, bubbling, the whirr of machinery, the lights were too bright, her mouth tasted of paper and chalk, her eyes felt glued shut, and more than anything there was a raging hunger burning in her stomach. Shepard tried to move an arm so that she could rub her eyes but was surprised to find that it wouldn't obey her command. Her eyes snapped open and she looked to find that it had been wrapped in a white plaster cast, she looked at her other arm and found that it was overtaken with wires and IV lines all hooked up to a large machine.

Where was she? Shepard looked around the room to find that it was suspiciously empty of everything aside from the bed she was in and the equipment necessary to keep her alive. There were no windows to show her the outside world, only a hidden door to her right, which would have been unnoticeable if it hadn't been for the faint black lines that indicated its presence.

She looked around trying to make sense of what was happening when there was a hiss and a whoosh of air laced with the scent of antiseptic and alcohol.

"I see you're awake Commander." a familiar voice greeted her cheerfully.

Shepard looked at her visitor and her eyes widened, "Kirrahe!" she croaked, her throat was drier than she had anticipated and she let out a little cough, "What's going on?" she asked. There were so many questions swirling around in her mind and she didn't even know where to begin. She was surprised to see Kirrahe in the first place, it was the last alien she had expected to see.

The Salarian's eyes crinkled as he smiled while pouring her a glass of water and stuck a straw in the cup so that she wouldn't have to carry it...not that she could anyway, "It's good to see you alive." his voice was higher than usual and he took a seat in the chair beside her, "I know you'll have a lot of questions so I'll try to answer them the best I can, before that, I'll give you the basics of what happened so far." he looked at her for confirmation and when she nodded he pushed a button on his omni-tool.

Shepard gulped in the water as fast as she could as she listened to Kirrahe. By the gods, who knew water could taste so good? She nodded in thanks when the captain refilled her glass.

"The reapers have been defeated." Kirrahe began, "But the damage to the Citadel is almost irreparable, everyone is now currently trying to regain order. Search and relief teams have been sent out and everyone is working together to clean up the damage done." he paused, "As of right now, no one knows of your survival. People are looking for you commander." his voice was serious.

Shepard was silent for a moment, "I figured." she muttered. Just thinking about all of the conferences to attend and the reports to write were giving her a headache enough to match her hunger. If she returned alive, it would be a field day for everyone. Chaos would ensue and who know what else.

"Right now you're at what's left of a Salarian earth hospital near London Alliance HQ." Kirrahe continued, "The only people aware of your survival are me and my team." he turned off his omni-tool after screening her once, probably to check her vitals and add them to a database.

"How long have I been out?" she asked as she tried to wrap her mind around the situation. She was just relieved that it was Kirrahe who had been the one to search for and find her. She could trust this Salarian, after all, he had a good head on his shoulders (more so than a few select others) and he had a friendy disposition to boot.

"A couple of days." Kirrahe responded as he pressed a button on the wall next to him, "Someone bring in some human food." he spoke into the intercom and then after a voiced confirmation, he turned to Shepard with a grin, "It was interesting to see an unconscious human talk about food while we operated."

Shepard felt her face get hot, "Well I wasn't exactly in the best condition." she muttered and looked away sheepishly...commander Shepard talking about pizza in surgery..that will get the media talking if nothing else.

A serious look suddenly came over Kirrahe's face, "About your condition commander." he looked at Shepard, "There are a few things that I need tell you."

A cold feeling suddenly came over her as she looked at the Salarian's face. This couldn't be good.

"Your injuries weren't major considering what you've been through." Kirrahe said after a pause, "We were actually all surprised that they weren't worse."

"I get that alot." Shepard murmured. Whether it was due to her upgraded body after Cerberus reconstructed her and brought her back or whether it was because she was lucky, she always managed to escape the worst parts of getting hurt.

"We had to take out the network of cybernetics implanted in your right arm, they were damaged during the explosion and were causing your energy intake and use to fluctuate at dangerous levels." he gestured to the arm that was laden with wires and IVs, "For now, those will keep your arm alive provided you don't remove them. We have a team of specialists working to procure replacement parts and building up a newer set of cybernetic implants for you."

"I don't understand why you're doing all of this for me." Shepard suddenly cut in unable to hold herself back, "It must have been difficult to locate me and even more difficult to keep me alive. You have your own place to go back to, your own planet to worry about. Why are you bothering with me?" she frowned unable to understand. It's not that she wasn't grateful, in fact she was so indebted to them she didn't know what she could do to ever repay them, "I'm sure the Alliance would have found me sooner or later."

Kirrahe paused for a moment and tilted his head to the side as he looked at Shepard with clear black eyes, "Commander, have you forgotten that you've saved the lives of me and my men?" he blinked once, "This isn't just a way to repay you. Who wouldn't do this much for a comrade?" he sounded genuinely confused.

Shepard stilled when she heard those words, "I...I guess so." she managed to stammer out. She couldn't argue or say anything back to what Kirrahe said, the way he said it made sense.

"Anyway, to continue on with your condition, there was something else that I needed to mention." Kirrahe leaned back in his chair a little bit, "Although it may not seem like it, your brain is in perilous condition."

"...My..brain?" Shepard asked.

"It's not a major problem." Kirrahe hurried to explain, "We would just like you to be careful for about a year after your external injuries heal. The thing is...after the explosion you'd been buried under the rubble approximately 3-4 days without food and water, broken bones, fractures, and infection. It took us 3 more days to locate where you were and 2 more days to correct your condition." he looked down and then back at Shepard, "During that time, your biotic implants and cybernetics had already been siphoning energy from your glucose stores taking it away from where it was originally supposed to go. But as time lengthened without food or water, the robotics depleted the glucose storage and had to move on to breaking down the fat and protein in your body."

Shepard almost yawned, she respected people in the medical field. She really did. But she didn't understand any of it, "Can I please...have the simple version of it?" she asked as politely as she could.

Kirrahe had to smile but obliged, "In short commander, there was a build up of toxins in your systems that circulated to your brain and on top of severe dehydration and insufficient glucose...well..." he sighed, "You'll be bedridden for a few weeks until your body can compensate for most of the imbalances." he looked away, "There is also potential for permanent damage to a few areas of the brain most affected by the toxins."

"Permanent damage.." Shepard echoed almost as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing, "But I'm fine right now." she protested weakly. She didn't feel any stranger than before, she could think clearly, and she was sure that if the cybernetics in her arm was replaced, she'd be able to move just like before.

"We believe that you will never be able to return to combat ever again." Kirrahe finally said and looked at her. The way he said it with this finality, there was no room for argument.

And Shepard was sure that if it was Kirrahe telling her this, it was true. There wasn't any doubt that this was something the Salarian didn't want to tell her but had to.

She had no choice but to smile, "Well...we'll just have to see how it all works out." she murmured and looked down at her broken body, "You never know until you try." she looked at the surprised captain who just let out a little sigh and smiled back.

The doors opened and a Salarian in a lab coat walked in carrying a tray of steaming food.

"I hope that's a real burger I'm seeing." Shepard eyed the food as the side table was pulled up in front of her and the tray was set down, "Now who's going to feed me?" she looked at the two Salarians with a small grin.

She'll figure out what to do once she recovered. There would always be a way right?


	18. Chapter 18

It took a few days but it didn't take long before Shepard could start to feel all the effects of her injuries.

Whether it was because she was starting to relax or whether it was because her body was now working to compensate now that there was an adequate supply of energy no one could exactly pinpoint why.

The Salarians had tried to map out areas of her brain that were most likely going to be permanently damaged but they couldn't be completely sure until the signs and symptoms would start to manifest themselves in Shepard.

By the third day, she started to have irregular breathing patterns which alarmed all the working specialists. The first assumption to present itself was that she was just having a panic attack maybe but when her breathing didn't return to normal and it continued to stop periodically it was obvious that something was wrong. Shepard protested against the oxygen mask presented to her but when she almost turned blue in the face because she couldn't for the life of her **breathe**, they stuck the mask on her and cranked it up to 6 liters warning her not to touch it unless she wanted to die by suffocation.

Immediately orders for a small device to regulate her breathing was given, putting the building of her arm cybernetics to completion on hold for a good while.

But this had just been the beginning. When her left arm healed, she found that she couldn't move it without tremors plaguing it. The Salarian doctor (strangely a specialist on humans) had analyzed it and had confirmed that there was no nerve damage to the extremity. However it was a different story when they decided to get an imaging of her brain while she tried use her left arm.

It turns out that in addition to her medulla oblongata, pons, and midbrain being affected, her cerebellum had been damaged due to prolonged exposure to toxins. From that, they speculated that not just her movements would be shaky but that her sense of balance would be off as well, which wasn't apparent since she was and had been from the beginning of her recovery, in bed.

Shepard seemed to be taking it all in stride and when the Salarians had held a conference with her (in her room) about options for her full recovery, she refused to be rebuilt like she had been by Cerberus. They couldn't understand her decision but neither did they question it, although they did try to convince her otherwise despite being firmly rejected. The only thing she would accept was the device to help regulate her breathing.

"Long day captain?" Shepard smiled when Kirrahe came in rubbing the side of his head, she was sitting up in her bed with the oxygen mask still fitted to her nose and mouth. She immediately dropped her left arm to her side to hide the fact that she was still trying to control its movements even though she knew she wouldn't be able to.

"It's been...busy." Kirrahe relented and sank into the chair at her bedside. These visits had become regular and since Shepard couldn't go anywhere without dragging the large machine keeping her right arm alive, she was bedridden for the time being and welcomed visitors with enthusiasm.

Two weeks had passed by with no news of her crew and the Normandy, even with all of the up to date information that she was given about the outside world.

"The device to help regulate your breathing is almost completed commander. After a few tests are completed, we will schedule your surgery for the end of this week." he looked at her with a weary smile on his face.

"So it's going to be..." Shepard thought about it, "In three days?" she tilted her head to the side trying to ignore the wave of nausea creeping up inside her. It was nothing unusual by now and only happened when she made sudden movements.

"Yes." Kirrahe confirmed with a slight nod of his head, "Other than that there is nothing new." he shrugged his slim shoulders and relaxed back into his seat.

Shepard grinned, "Thank you very much for everything captain." she nodded to him slowly trying not to aggravate her nausea.

"Don't mention it commander." the Salarian returned her smile with one of his own.

-.-.-.-.

About a month had passed before everyone could say that Shepard was in the best condition possible (without the complete body buildup). Her breathing was back to normal and her cybernetics and biotic implants had been fixed or maintained. She could move her right arm with any problems (probably due to the cybernetics) but her left arm was virtually unusable.

Although the recovery time was shorter than most, it was only thanks to Shepard's willingness to actually adhere to the doctor's orders and the brilliant minds of the Salarians all working together.

"I'm...indebted to you all." Shepard bowed her head to all the Salarians that had been taking care of her. She was in a high spec wheelchair..er...hoverchair?

True to the Salarian doctor's words, her balance had been jacked up. Her coordination was intact however, which was something at least, but she couldn't stand up without falling over as if the room was spinning around. Sitting at all times was the only thing that would help.

"We could still perform more surgeries to bring you back as good as before." Kirrahe offered tentatively even though he knew what the answer would be. They all stood in front of her, a crowd of Salarians around a lone human being.

Shepard just smiled, "You know I'm just going to refuse." she answered with a small laugh, she flexed her right hand and then looked down at herself. It was so weird to be dressed in regular civilian clothing.

"It never hurts to keep trying." Kirrahe grinned, "So where are you off to now commander?" he asked. Although the Salarians had invited Shepard to stay with them longer, she refused that as well saying that she needed to learn how to be independent. So they had arranged a private apartment for her to stay at not too far from Alliance HQ in London, but well hidden and protected from prying eyes. 'It's the least we could do.' they had all said when Shepard had protested and they weren't taking no for an answer.

"I'll probably just take a little walk around the area before going to that place you guys have graciously set up for me." Shepard looked up at her new set of friends, "Keep in contact everyone, I'd love to have you over sometime."

Everyone said their goodbyes and watched as Shepard glided out of the doors in her chair. It was going to be her first time going outside in a month. They wished they could all be with her but that would only make her stand out more and she waved away their company saying that they had done enough for her.

It was understandable to want to be alone.

-.-.

Shepard squinted at the bright sunlight as she maneuvered her chair down the steps of the hidden hospital and after a quick look around, she made her way down the debris ridden sidewalk. It was a quiet neighborhood, and with the destruction that had occurred it almost looked like a ghost town. When she looked into the distance, she could see the colossal but still forms of the inactive reapers.

So she had done it. It was in a way unbelievable, even to her.

The day was cool despite it being the late afternoon and when a breeze brushed past her, she realized that she was cold, "Guess I gotta hurry to that place." she murmured and scrolled through the locations on her chair's navigation system that the Salarians had thought to make up for her specifically. She found the name of the apartment complex and pressed the button, the guidance arrows popped up immediately on the little screen beside her arm.

After another final look around and seeing no one in the area, Shepard suppressed a shiver and began to guide her chair down the street.

It was strange to be all alone, but it wasn't unwelcome.

When she finally reached her destination, she was a little surprised to see how elegant and simple the apartment complex was, it looked untouched by the war, either that or the Salarians had fixed it up for her...which she wouldn't put it past them to do something like that. It was a white building and she discovered that the place given to her was more like a 5 bedroom house rather than an apartment...what part of this was an apartment anyway?..those guys...they had lied to her.

Shepard frowned a little as she explored the place feeling a little guilty at the expenses they had clearly wasted on her. The place was fully furnished with an optimal level of security and there was even human food inside the fridge.

"They never miss a single thing do they?" Shepard couldn't help but smile a little as she shut the fridge doors and looked around. The place was too large for her but it would have to do for now. Suddenly her reflection caught her eye as she passed by a large mirror on her way upstairs to the bedroom and she froze.

The face that stared back at her almost seemed foreign. She had not looked at herself in the days she had spent with the Salarians, she hadn't wanted to for fear of...fear of what? There were no signs of trauma nor were there wounds or even scars visible. Those had most likely been corrected by surgery, but the gauntness of her cheeks, the paleness of her once tanned skin, the length of her overgrown hair...the expression on her face...It all seemed to be someone else.

"Who are you now?" she muttered to herself as she reached out her good arm to touch the mirror, her reflection. Her fingers met with cold resistance and she withdrew her hand after a moment. She hadn't wanted to think about anything while she was with Kirrahe but now that she was alone, it was harder not think about her situation.

What Kirrahe had said was right, there was no way she could return to being an officer, not the kind she was born and bred for at least. N7...

She could feel a scream bubbling up in the back of her throat but she pushed it down along with the anger threatening to take control of her. What would she do now? Should she have taken the countless offers she had rejected to rebuild her body? To fix her brain?

Shepard looked at the mirror trying to control her suddenly wild emotions, the reflection of herself stared back back almost as if it was making a mockery of her. The silence rang in her ears.

The expression on her face was enough to get her to look away. She had never seen herself look so pitiful. In a chair, unable to move freely, unable to even breathe properly on her own. What had she become?


	19. Chapter 19

Weeks passed and nothing.

Which was strange because James was sure that there was something.

But all attempts to trace the individual, any attempts to question the rare witnesses, anything at all would somehow be misdirected and blocked.

Always back to square one.

James set down the data pad down onto the steel table overflowing with other data pads and pieces of paper. Maybe he should just give up, by now he had given up hope. It was safer to assume that Shepard was gone for good.

The doors hissed open after a beep and when James glanced over at the entrance he saw Cortez step inside of the studio apartment with a bag of takeout, "How's it going there Mr. Vega?" he asked as he walked over and set down the food next to James who opened it eagerly.

The higher ups had wanted to James working inside HQ but he had respectfully declined and instead, had rented himself a studio apartment not too far. No one entered...rather no one could enter unless James manually coded them into the security system. Esteban was the only one that could freely come and go as he pleased, well, him and the other former Normandy members but their visits were rare since they were often busy with their official duties.

That didn't mean James never went out, he still attended mandatory debriefings and conferences with the team still trying to track down this mysterious person. He didn't talk more than was necessary though and didn't try to form friendships with the team.

"Mmmmm." James dug into his food with a biodegradable fork and grinned up at Esteban, "You always seem to know what I want to eat." he chose to ignore the question. Anyone could tell with one look that it wasn't going well.

Cortez let out a soft sigh and then smiled at James as he took a seat across from James. The man looked haggard and smaller than ever. Desk work didn't suit him, going out into the field did. But for whatever reason, he noticed that James would become silent whenever the topic came up. Cortez looked around the grey apartment, weapons were out of sight, there was nothing reminiscent of the military that could be seen, "Why don't you go out anymore Mr. Vega?" he asked before he could stop himself.

James paused for a moment and then resumed eating with a laugh, "What are you talking about Esteban? I go out all the time." his insides were beginning to become unsettled. It was getting too close to the topic he had wanted to avoid at all costs if possible.

"You know what I mean." Cortez turned his eyes to James and stayed there. He didn't mean for the conversation to turn out this way, but since it already had, he was going to stick with it, "The top didn't say anything about restricting you from going out onto the field and actively searching. The old you would have jumped right in without a second thought."

His words seemed to strike something inside of James and the veteran set down his boxed up food onto the table, he leaned back into the faux black leather chair with a tired sigh. He knew he wouldn't be able to avoid this no matter what, the look on Esteban's face was saying that he wouldn't let it go until they talked about it.

"I'm not ready." James muttered.

Silence.

"What do you mean?" Cortez asked a little surprised at the confession.

"I mean..." James sat forward and placed his elbows on his knees as he looked at him, "I'm not ready to go back out there searching for something or someone that might not even exist. I'm not ready for that kind of pain again." it was the truth, albeit just a part of it. He would never admit it to Esteban but the other reason why he wouldn't go out onto the field again was because he had lost confidence in his abilities as a soldier. The nightmares where he saw Shepard turn away from him never stopped. If only he had been good enough to stay uninjured. He could have gone with her. Then maybe none of this would have happened.

Cortez grew silent. Truthfully, no one had been ready to go back out into active duty after what had happened. All the pain...all the losses that each individual experienced wasn't something to be underestimated. And pain was subjective. Just because everyone else was managing it didn't mean that others were able to. James wasn't like everyone else, he was James. Just like how everyone else was everyone else.

"I know that maybe this case would close faster if I went out there myself." James looked down at the floor and then he straightened up, "But right now, I'm not ready to go back out there." he looked at Esteban who just nodded in understanding, "Thanks Esteban." he flashed him a grin and then went back to eating.

There was nothing that Cortez could say to that, especially when he could almost understand the depth of the pain that James carried with him. He just wondered if the lieutenant would ever be ready. Call it intuition, but he could already see where this was headed, and there was rarely a time when his intuition failed him.

Cortez stood up to leave. He had a scheduled maintenance arriving at the docking port where he now worked day shifts, just something to keep his mind off of everything, "Well, just remember that the commander would have done everything she could to find you no matter how small the chance." he knew the words that he had spoken were harsh even with the gentle tone he used. The words had been unfair and by his standards, it was low of him.

He knew the blow he had dealt James was almost a fatal one by the way the lieutenant's shoulders seemed to stiffen and then slump, the expression on his face frozen, the way his hands trembled almost dropping the box of takeout.

He couldn't help it though. Immediate regret overtook the anger and frustration he had previously felt in an instant, but it was too late and the words he said had already taken their toll. There was no going back anymore. He could already see the future of their relationship. Awkward and tense.

James looked at Cortez almost as if he couldn't believe what he had just heard but Cortez turned away and walked out of the studio apartment without another word. He regretted it all. His emotions had gotten the best of him this time and there was nothing he could do.

-.-.

James watched in silence as Esteban walked out without saying anything else.

_"...the commander would have done everything she could to find you no matter how small the chance." _

The words echoed in his head almost accusingly. He knew that Esteban meant well, he would never say something intentionally to hurt another person, but those words seemed to hit him like a Brute running full force. A dam seemed to break inside of him and he could feel the guilt and shame rapidly spill out and fill his body like a small cup trying to fit a waterfall inside of itself. Unbearable.

He buried his head into his hands and took a deep breath trying to quell the pain. The emotions threatened to spill out of his eyes with a warmth that he despised. Once again, everything he was and everything he stood for was betraying him. Even his own mind.


	20. Chapter 20

He knew it was going to happen before it actually did.

Heartbeat going faster.

Breathing getting harder.

The feeling that the walls were slowly closing in on him.

Cold sweat forming on his forehead and icing the core of his body.

James opened his eyes only to see the quiet and dark surroundings of his studio apartment. It was weird...his body was back somewhere dodging reaper beams and killing husks while his mind was here in the silence. There was safety and there was security. It was such a dissonant feeling.

He took a slow deep breath in and then let it out equally slowly trying to convince himself that everything was okay. Everything was alright. His hands were clenched into fists, muscles straining, his body screaming at him to get to cover...to get behind something at least to be protected...be protected by what again?

Another slow breath in.

Another slow breath out.

_Remember, there's nothing happening right now. Remember that you are in a safe place. Remember that you are home_.

Minutes passed and he felt the attack slowly subside and settle back into the depths of where it came from. His body gradually began to relax, his muscles unclenching and his fists loosening up. Cold sweat still beaded his forehead and soaked through his pillowcase and sheets making them unpleasantly damp.

Sitting up with a little groan as his body protested, he checked the time on the little holographic clock he kept at his bedside on a little table. The little dim blue light making him squint as he did so. 0345.

Cursing, he tossed the blanket covering him to the side and stood up. He hadn't even gotten 2 hours of sleep. The lights immediately flickered on to the lowest setting illuminating the apartment as James stripped his bed of its sheets, crumpled them into a heaping ball of cloth, and tossed them into a laundry chute beside it.

There was no use going back to sleep now, he wouldn't even be able to.

"Time to take a shower." he muttered to himself as he walked over to the shower a change of clothes and a towel in hand.

-.-.-.

Shepard scrolled through a data pad that the Salarians had given her on one of their rare visits. The contents were about her, more specifically, it was the information that the Alliance was trying to gather on her current location and status.

Somehow, someone had seen her once as she made her way around the neighborhood for a brief little outing. She was intrigued, to say the least about the various conclusions that the team assigned to her 'case' were making. 'Imposter' 'Robot' 'Mistaken identity'...'Dead'.

It was all expected though and none of them surprised her. She didn't want people to know of her survival, it was better that she was dead to the world even if it caused the people who cared about her pain.

Was it because of her physical condition? Maybe.

She set down the data pad with a heavy sigh and then tried to lift her left arm. The effort made her grit her teeth but she somehow got it to rise up a few inches. Her arm trembled violently and then dropped to her side on the bed as if it had spent every ounce of energy it possessed. Useless.

Shepard frowned and then looked up at the white ceiling. No matter how late it got, she couldn't fall asleep. She was tired as hell but sleep evaded her constantly. She couldn't help but let out a wry chuckle.

Just look at the state she was in now. Shepard had always been the one to look at people in their broken bodies, but now it was her turn to be the one broken.

She had always been a little proud of her physical abilities. Her strength, her speed, her training. She had been the best and she knew it. Not arrogant. No. But she had been confident. In the current state she was in, there was no way she wanted to tell the world she was alive...

A sudden beeping startled her and when she spent a moment trying to figure out where it was coming from she realized that her omni-tool was the source. Raising an eyebrow, she flicked her right wrist letting the tech display itself in a flood of orange. A message? at this time? From who?

It couldn't be the Salarians. They would all be sleeping right now...something about optimal neural connections something something.

No one else knew her contact information. The Salarians had tagged her with a new identification chip and they were the only ones who could get into contact with her, this was all at Shepard's request of course. In the system she was just another Salarian female living on earth temporarily.

Shepard paused a moment before letting the message display itself in front of her.

It had been a while since her blood ran cold and her chest tightened.

It had been a while since fear had showed itself to her in its coldest and darkest form.

**It's not over. We're coming for you. **

A shudder wracked her body and Shepard shut the omni-tool down trying not to vomit.

What kind of sick joke was this? Hadn't she had enough? When would the world decide to leave her in peace? She already had a bunch of shit to work through and now this...


	21. Chapter 21

Shepard didn't tell anyone. She didn't know why, but she just couldn't bring herself to.

For the next few days she prepared as much as she could. She had a gut feeling that they would take their sweet time coming after her for whatever reason, but during that time, Shepard wouldn't just sit around waiting for them.

A switch inside of her seemed to have been flipped because before she even realized it, the gears in her head were already turning and her body was moving on its own (as best as it could anyway)...she never imagined herself to even be able to think about holding another weapon.

But...well...the soldier inside of her was not going to be put to sleep that easily. She was tenacious and vicious.

Her weapons were dragged out of hiding, the house was rigged with trips and lasers, the already heavy security of her general area was beefed up and had added layers of protection (courtesy of herself). Barriers disguised as floor tiles were in every corner of her house, the windows were reinforced, ammo packs and extra weapons were available in hidden slots in the walls or floor that would spring open with her fingerprint and chip identification.

Most of the things had already been put into place by the Salarians before she had moved in for whatever reason. The only things she added were the trips and lasers.

Although, doing that alone in itself was like hell. Bending over in her chair caused extreme vertigo making her feel nauseated and then top of all of that, the only arm she could move was her right arm. But somehow she had gotten it done and was quite proud of work actually, it had turned out better than she could have anticipated.

Shepard went on a final round inside of the house checking everything to make sure it all worked and fit together perfectly.

Flawless.

The veteran commander stopped her chair in front of the entrance of the house, "Now all I have to do is wait." she breathed and absently clutched her left arm with her right. The day had faded fast and it was already dark out. The lights in her home had flickered on illuminating everything inside, there were no shadows. The lights were too bright.

Shepard eyed the SMG pistol strapped to her thigh. _Again_, she thought to herself.

-.-.-.

"Have you heard Vega?" Joker gingerly took a seat next to the haggard lieutenant. It was a rare visit from the pilot but not unwanted. He usually had a lot of news from the outside world to talk about with James.

"About what?" James asked absently as he tried to reconfigure a code in his omni-tool. All of his contacts had been screwed up somehow and he was in the midst of fixing it. Better this than ripping his hair out over yet, another dead end in his search for 'Shepard'. It felt like he had been getting close too...and just as he had been worming his way into a Salarian database of all the refugees currently in London, he had been shut down by a Salarian ambassador and tech specialist.

He didn't know how the trail of clues had led up to the Salarians (long story with a lot of migraines and almost-sobbing on James' part) but it did and well...there was nothing he could do right now. It was probably nothing though, James thought as he tweaked another code in his omni-tool. Why would a search for Lola end up going through a Salarian database? After much thought, he had sent in paperwork and a request to the 'top brass' in the Alliance requesting permission to look into the Salarian database of refugees. It was probably nothing...but he had to be thorough.

James was informed that it would take at least a week for processing and then another week for approval. Two weeks. At the least.

When he heard that, he almost laughed and cried at the same time. Fuck politics. Fuck intergalactic peace. Fuck alien courtesy.

He just wanted to do his job, not go through all of this red tape.

"There's an evil cult group in existence right now that formed after the destruction of the reapers." Joker said and looked intently at James for some reason.

"Still better than reapers." James muttered a reply not understanding why something as trivial as this was being brought up into conversation. It was just a cult, there were tons of cults out there.

"I mean...it's a cult that formed because they're trying to bring back the reapers." Joker explained a bit more, "Also...they kind of hate the commander for stopping the end of the galaxy." he added the last bit in lightly, "Apparently they're searching for this 'Shepard' too." he held up his hands to make air quotes.

James stopped fiddling with his omni-tool and looked at Joker, "You're being serious aren't you?" he didn't even have to ask but he did anyway.

Joker rolled his eyes and adjusted his cap, "Oh yeah, I would totally lie about something like this." he muttered to himself sarcastically and then looked at James, "Of course I'm being serious."

"But I mean...come on." James laughed, "Bring back the reapers? That's impossible now." he shook his head but an unsettling feeling was starting to creep into his gut, something about this was a little eerie, "And search for Shepard? Why?"

The pilot shrugged his shoulders gingerly, "Like I would know." he replied, "The Alliance is running wild trying to catch the cultists though."

"Why?" James' brows wrinkled and he looked at Joker in confusion.

Joker looked down at his hands suddenly and then he looked at James with a seriousness that was not characteristic of the pilot, "Because they've been doing human sacrifices."

A chill ran through James. It immediately reminded him of what Shepard had told him about the human reaper she had seen.

"How do you know all of this?" James suddenly asked. He hadn't heard a word about this from the conferences and debriefing meetings he had attended...albeit...the last one he had attended was a week ago when he had asked for permission to search through the Salarian database.

"There are vids that the cult leader posted up on the extranet." Joker said, "Can you believe the guy?" he tried to lighten the atmosphere, "The moron is telling the world what his evil plans are. They even have an official site...I don't know why the Alliance is leaving it up there for everyone to see though..."

"Send me the links to those vids." James told the pilot ignoring the attempt at humor. This had to be connected with 'Shepard'. Somehow this was all connected.

But of course...

This was Lola he was talking about. All he had to look was where it was noisiest and she would invariably be at the center of it all.

Joker sighed, "I think I just started something." he muttered to himself as he scrolled through his own omni-tool, "I don't know what, but I'm sure it's something."

"You're a genius Joker." James replied as he searched the extranet, "What's the name of the cult?" he asked. He was feeling good about this now, for once in a long time, he felt like there was a sure lead. A path to finding Shepard...if it really was her that is...He couldn't forget.

This might not even be Shepard.

Joker frowned but didn't say anything, "It's really...early 20th century." there was note of extreme disapproval in his voice, "Whoever made the name has poor taste."

James sighed, "Never mind that, just tell me the name." he impatiently glared at the pilot.

There was a loud sigh, "Fineee." muttered, "They call themselves, The New World Order." he sulked, "Even I could have picked a better name." mumbled.

James snorted, "Big dreams for a bunch of crazy shits." he typed the name into the search engine.

"I still wouldn't laugh about it though." Joker cleared his throat, "This cult actually has a lot of members."

There was a little blip, a sign that Joker's message had gone through. James opened the message and tapped the link and roamed the site when it loaded and went straight to the link that said 'videos'. Seriously...it was so official.

Ignoring the comment, James tapped a video to play it. It was the most recent one that had been uploaded, just a few hours ago actually. Why was this site still up? How come there was nothing being done about this?

A rectangle displayed itself in the air.

"Oh they have a new video up." Joker shut down his omni-tool and scooted closer to James to get a better look.

There was muffled sound in the background of the video but the screen was still blacked out. James looked at Joker when the screen didn't clear up.

"They usually keep the screen blacked out." Joker explained, "They don't show anything, they just talk."

**"Good day, ladies and gentlemen." **a robotic voice, warped and low sounded clearly from the video. Anyone could tell that the person was using a voice scrambler. Primitive. Effective.

"Why is he talking like a damn show host?" James couldn't hold back from commenting.

Joker sighed, "It's like you're not a soldier at all." the pilot shook his head, "Just keep listening." the disappointment on his face didn't bother James. He was used to it by now.

**"It has been a while since our last talk." **the voice continued on robotically, **"As stated in our previous videos, the work to revive the reapers is growing to completion. We now only need the final piece." **there were a few screams followed by sobbing that could be faintly heard in the background, **"The final piece will be retrieved in 2 days time."**

There was a pause and Joker and James exchanged glances. What piece? Had their progress already been that quick? Impossible. This was like a slap in the face.

**"Many wonder why we broadcast everything." **there was another pause before the voice continued, **"It is because there is nothing that can stop us right now." **there was no laugh, no gloating or overconfidence. The voice just stated cold hard facts, **"And surely everyone wants to know what is going on?" **

"How the hell did this happen?" James couldn't help but to lash out at Joker, "What is the Alliance doing right now? What is everyone doing?!" his voice tipped over to a roar that left his throat feeling raw.

"Woah woah woah." Joker held up both of his hands in the air as if surrendering, "Don't look at me." he looked visibly panicked and pale.

James stood up and started to pace, "Two days." he muttered trying to wrack his head, "Final piece." A panic was starting to work its way out and he could feel his breathing accelerate. But he knew nothing right now. Absolutely nothing. He had only _just_ been informed of this cult when they had apparently been active for more than a few weeks. What was he going to do? What was he going to do? What was he going to do? His heartbeat was starting pick up its pace and a cold sweat began to seep through his skin.

**"The final piece."** the voice repeated once again going back to the original topic at hand. James froze and looked at his omni-tool, he had almost forgotten that the video was still playing.

**"And I'm sure everyone wants to know who the final piece is." **the smile was evident in the voice, **"I won't reveal who it is. Although, I'm sure it is obvious to the inner circle of ****_friends_****." **the voice emphasized, **"You are welcome to try and stop us."**

"It's Shepard." James whispered, his eyes were glazed over and he looked at Joker, "The final piece they're talking about is Shepard."

Joker frowned, "And what makes you so sure? I mean, come on, are you sure you're not making some assumptions here?"

"Come on Joker!" James sighed, "How is it not obvious? You even told me yourself that they're searching for Shepard. Why else would they be looking for her?"

**"Two days everyone."** the voice said once more, **"I will be back in two days."**

The video cut out and the sound stopped leaving the room silent. The rectangle display box closed and his omni-tool automatically shut off.

"They can't know where she is." James looked at Joker, "There's no way right?"

Joker looked down and sighed, "Like I said lieutenant, they have some really smart people on their side." his voice was soft.

"You're fucking kidding me!" James raged and placed both of his hands on the table trying to calm himself, "Joker do whatever you have to do to get in contact with Kasumi." he straightened up, "I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner." he muttered hatefully to himself.

_What had he been doing?_ Wallowing in his pain and emotions...all he had done was waste time he didn't know was so important.

"Yessir." Joker did a mock salute and hobbled out of the studio apartment. Oh, he was shocked alright but there was no time to freak out. He had a job to do and he would do it.

James watched Joker disappear behind the doors and then sighed to himself, "Alright." he took a deep breath and reopened his omni-tool exiting the site. There was no time to wait for permission from the top. He typed in a few codes which guided him to the Salarian database. It was do or die now. He knew he wasn't remotely anywhere as tech-y as Scars or even Esteban but there wasn't much of a choice right now. He tapped a link and then pulled up another black box beside it.

It had all started when he had noticed a group of Salarians bringing in a bunch of equipment to a certain building not too far from where he was actually. Of course, he had never gone there but it had been documented in a separate report of 'suspicious/abnormal' activity. When thought about it properly, it wasn't weird for Salarians to import large amounts of equipment...to be precise, there had actually been nothing abnormal about the report.

In fact, it had only been chance that James stumbled on something that caught his interest. He hadn't even expected anything to come from going through the hundreds of reports.

Literally it was serendipity...but it didn't mean it would lead to Lola...still...there was nothing else to go on from,, so why not?

James looked at the time. 19:34. It was going to be a long night.

**Author's note

This chapter might be a literal mess. For now I'll post it up but later on I'll probably revise and repost. There also might be kinks in the plot but I'll probably end up revising the whole story later on as well just to make things smoother.

At the moment I just want to focus on finishing the story.

Thanks for reading guys :)

And I really appreciate the reviews as well 3


	22. Chapter 22

Shepard's eyes opened.

Darkness.

It was still the middle of the night and she had been deep asleep, yet somehow she woke up alert and not the least bit sleepy.

Her heartbeat raced.

Someone was here. She didn't know how she knew this but the gut feeling in her stomach wouldn't leave her alone.

With great difficulty and after listening to her surroundings, she quietly (...well, as quietly as she could) made it to her chair and settled herself into it. The pistol that she kept under her pillow was now in her lap and a few spare packs of thermal clips were in a little compartment that was built into the chair.

The lights remained off, she didn't want to alert the possible intruder that she was awake if possible.

Shepard manuevered her chair to a window and when she couldn't detect anyone, she guided herself to a little hidden room outside of her bedroom to the right where a bunch of monitors were set up. Despite the darkness and lack of light, the little room glowed from the light of the monitors. She checked them all carefully and was about to leave when she caught a flicker of movement from the monitor on the lower right.

It showed the outside entrance of her house and the front door.

Bastard, Shepard frowned when she caught another flicker. The person was trying to hack the front door open, "What a ballsy person." she let out a sigh and then guided her chair out of the room and back to the bedroom. She stopped beside the door and let her right hand roam the wall for a moment and when she found a tiny niche she dug her fingernail into it and slid the panel open revealing a print reader.

Shepard pressed her thumb to the device and brief light scanned it. There was a little hiss and click as a cache located beside the print reader opened up. Instead of a spare ammo pack there was 1 flash bang grenade, 2 frag grenades, and 1 cluster grenade. Feeling a little happy with the presents in the cache, she gathered them as quickly as she could and stored up with the spare ammo packs with the exception of the flash bang. Then she closed the cache up and covered up the panel. There was no time.

She could hear the front door clicking open.

Steadying her breath, she quietly guided her chair so that the back was against the wall and she was facing the door. There was only one way to do this now.

A direct confrontation was out of the question. Her physical capabilities wouldn't allow it and the intruder had come earlier than she had anticipated. She couldn't deny the sulkiness that she felt at the realization that her traps and triggers had been deactivated. This person was good.

Shepard checked her pistol and switched the safety off. She looked straight ahead at the door to her bedroom. Anytime now. There was little chance that she would win but she was prepared for that.

_Creak._

Her spine stiffened at the noise and she leveled her gun straight in front of her, "You can come out of hiding." she said loudly focusing on the barely visibly glimmer in the doorway, "It's not really fair if you know my face but I don't know yours right?" she couldn't help but say the words with a slight growl.

There was silence, the intruder had stopped moving.

Shepard frowned, "I know you're there." she said quietly, "Don't underestimate me because of my current state." she pulled the trigger of her pistol not particularly trying to hit the person but was surprised when it ricocheted off the intruder's shield and made a hole in the ceiling.

"Woah woah woah." A familiar voice made Shepard freeze from pulling the trigger again, "Hold on a moment Shep, let's not be too hasty here."

Shep?

Shepard frowned, the blood in her veins turned to ice water. Of all the people she didn't want to see...

"Kasumi?" her voice croaked out as she lowered her pistol. No way...

The cloaking fell away from the person revealing the lithe form of Kasumi Goto. Her hooded face wasn't visible, but her unmistakable eyes glittered from the shadows and the thief faced her with a hand to her hip, "Well this is a surprise." her husky voice was soft and she stepped closer to Shepard.

"Don't move." Shepard raised her pistol again and pointed it at Kasumi, "Show me proof that you're really Kasumi." there was an edge in her voice. It pained her to do this, but these days there was no way to be sure of anything.

"Keiji's greybox." Kasumi had stopped advancing, "I kept the greybox intact. Silence is golden. I faked my death in front of Jondom Bau. Remember?" she automatically said it all in one breath. They were details that were only known between her and Shepard.

Shepard lowered the weapon and then critically eyed Kasumi, "What are you doing here?" she asked in an almost accusatory tone. It's not that she was particularly disappointed that it was Kasumi, but she didn't think that she was ready to face what would inevitably come next...and a happy reunion it would be...there was a bitterness somewhere in her heart that she quashed. She would have had to face this someday right?

Kasumi grinned, "It was a job that I simply couldn't turn down." she stepped lightly and sat down on the bed facing Shepard, "You know me. Searching for rare treasures and breaking into impenetrable places." she crossed her legs and gave Shepard a once over but didn't say anything or ask.

Shepard tried to raise both of her hands and place her face into them out of habit but realized halfway through that her left arm wouldn't obey her. It was shaking uncontrollably and she had to give up on the feat and instead use her right arm to hold her left arm. Luckily the nausea she usually experienced didn't take over her. It must have had to do with the adrenaline pumping through her body.

"You never change Kasumi." Shepard let out a weary laugh and settled even deeper into her chair, leaning back tiredly, "So what's the next step?" she asked and looked over at the thief.

Kasumi grinned, "Time for me to bring the treasure home." she stood up energetically, "I'm surprised that you knew someone was here though. Usually no one is ever prepared." she gestured Shepard to follow her out the room and down the stairs. They moved quietly and made sure to keep an eye out for anyone else.

"I'm Shepard." the veteran grinned jokingly, "Nothing gets passed me." she manuevered her chair slowly down the stairs after Kasumi, "Where is this 'home'?" she couldn't help but to ask. She would let the 'treasure' comment slide only because she wanted to know what was going on more than she wanted to admit, and besides, it was Kasumi.

There was a pause, "Don't worry Shep, it's a safe place, even from me." the thief then pulled out a little round device and pressed a button on it before tossing it to Shepard who barely caught it with her right hand, "Hold that." she said, "It's a cloaking device for your chair and yourself." she cast an eye on Shepard, "I don't think you had time to change into anything else more suitable." there was a laugh in her voice.

Shepard looked down at herself and realized it was true. Since waking up she had only thoughts of surviving, changing into armor or rather combat suitable clothes hadn't even crossed her mind. She was still in her black spandex shorts and a black N7 shirt that she had used as pajamas, "You're prepared for everything." she muttered and examined the device with a critical eye.

"I usually use that for bigger hauls." Kasumi explained lightly as they made their way onto the empty streets. The neighborhood still looked somewhat deserted despite the rebuilding of the area, "Have I told you that I once used it to smuggle out Michelangelo's statue of David from a rich collector's home?"

A cold wind brushed past them eliciting a little shudder from Shepard, the season changed faster than she realized, "Sounds like a good time." she replied with a little smile. She had no doubts that wherever Kasumi was leading her, James and everyone else would be there, if not now then later.

Was she ready to hear the questions? Was she ready for the reactions?

It was unreasonable for her to think this way, especially when there was a bigger issue to worry about, but she couldn't help it.

Kasumi and Shepard made their way down the streets, both cloaked and invisible to the naked eye. They neared an alleyway close to downtown and entered it, after a few minutes of turning this way and that, Shepard had no idea where she was, except that she was somewhere in the city. Surprisingly, very few people were out, whether it was because they were avoiding people on purpose or not, Shepard didn't know but for some reason this little detail stuck to her.

Little by little they emerged from the back alleys and went down a a street crowded with apartments crammed and squished together. The streetlights were flickering on and off but anyone could tell that it wasn't a particularly safe area to be in. It stank of the lower levels of Omega and the street was littered with trash and empty battles smashed here and there. Pools of questionable liquid shone on the street from the lights and there was an air of oppression lingering in the atmosphere.

"Safe, even from you?" Shepard just had to mutter skeptically as she let her gaze sweep the area. They passed a black bag that was suspiciously similar to the ones C-Sec used for bodies.

Kasumi let out a quiet laugh, "You'll know when we get there." she snickered at the look on Shepard's face.

They squeezed in through a space between adjacent apartment complexes and followed a winding road to the left where they ultimately found themselves in front of a door hidden in the shadow of a giant high rise condo. Kasumi knocked 3 times and tapped a button on her omni-tool, "We're here." she sang into the microphone. A voice that Shepard couldn't quite hear came from Kasumi's earpiece.

"Password?" Kasumi frowned, "Oh come on, you know it's me. It's cold outside so hurry and let me in." she threatened to break through the security and make sure to fry all the equipment with a virus if the doors didn't open.

Moments later there was a click and the door beeped and then slid open, "You see, it only opened this quickly because you're here." Kasumi grumbled and then stepped inside the dimly lit apartment, "I know he doesn't care what I do with technology, especially since he got a new gun."

From where Shepard was, she couldn't see anyone inside. All she saw was a table scattered with data pads and papers and a bed behind it shoved up against the corner. She guided her chair across the threshold and the doors hissed shut behind her. Curiously she looked around, it was a small studio apartment and didn't look very lived in. Rather, it looked like it was only used as a place to work. The kitchen didn't look used, the stack of takeout boxes in the corner were testimony to that and the bed didn't look like it had been slept in or sat on.

She had positioned herself closer to the table to examine the contents of the papers and data pad and was so occupied with the information that she didn't realize that someone else had walked out of the bathroom and into the general area. Shepard had known in her head that James would be here. She had known without a doubt. But when she looked up from the table and saw him in the flesh, the data pad she had managed to pick up dropped to the floor with a loud clatter and her heart dropped down to her toes. She could feel her heartbeat getting faster, her hands turned cold and clammy for some reason and shook as she tried to bring them together.

It's still too soon for this, she thought to herself as she willed herself to look away from him. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she realized that Kasumi was nowhere to be seen. _That sly thief_. Shepard allowed herself a grim smile and then bent over to pick up the data pad when a larger calloused hand picked it up before she could.

She wasn't ready for this. As long as she lived, she would never be ready for this, and yet it was already happening. It couldn't be stopped.

Shepard took a breath and looked up to find that James was standing right in front of her. The expression on his face said it all.

There was silence as their gazes locked on each other.


	23. Chapter 23

Silence.

James took a shaky breath and blinked forcing himself to look away.

It was really her.

He had never felt relief...or was it relief? Whatever it was, he had never felt anything like it so acutely before. It almost felt like something stabbed him in the chest. His fingers were turning cold and despite looking calm on the outside, there was all sorts of chaos inside.

Another breath.

James let his eyes return to Shepard and he stared trying to make sense of the situation. Yeah, he was a soldier, he was supposed to be able to take anything in stride and keep a cool head., but he was failing a little too miserably right now.

He took a step towards her, their gazes locked. She had changed. It wasn't just the chair she seemed to be confined to. No, it was the look in her eyes and the expression on her face.

A coldness was there where it had never been and there was a darkness in her eyes that put a reaper to shame,. There was a different kind of hardness in the lines of her face and the curve of her lips, something that separated her from regular soldiers. Different from when she was resurrected from Cerberus, different from when she reminisced about the deceased, different from when James watched her pull away from him and run towards the transport beam back when the reapers were still alive. She was different.

But it was stupid to think that anyone would be the same.

James stopped in front of Shepard and bent down to pick up the dropped data pad before she could. The hard metal of the object reminded him that this was really happening. Stupid..to be told by some object that this was reality. He set it down on the table beside him and then looked at Lola. Her expression was unreadable.

Her hair that he was so used to seeing in a bun was down and longer than he remembered, her face was paler than before and she was thinner than he thought was possible for someone like her. It almost felt like he was looking at a shadow of what she once was.

"I'm guessing you have a lot of questions." Shepard finally broke the silence, there was a wicked glint in her eyes but the little grin on her face told him that she could guess what he was thinking. Shepard had always been able to read him so easily for some reason.

James pulled out a chair and took a seat in front of Shepard. There were no hugs or tears and there weren't going to be any, "You can say that." James replied. They couldn't stop staring at each other though, "I'm sure you have your questions too Lola."

Shepard's grin transformed into a smile at the nickname and her head tilted to the side slightly, "Ohh still using that nickname?" she asked, her eyes sparkled a little and James was reminded of the Shepard before her disappearance, "In any case, I need to know what the hell is going on before we start catching up on our lives." she waved her right hand in the air as if telling someone to go away.

"Right." James cleared his throat and began to tell her everything, starting from when Joker had told him about the cult group. It didn't take as long as he thought it would, but when he was finished there was a sour look on Shepard's face and a crease between her brows that he knew all too well the meaning of, "...but that thief chick is pretty good." James finished and tapped away at his omni-tool, "She found you and brought you here with almost half a day to spare." then he frowned as he thought to himself. He should have contacted her a long time ago, he had wasted too much time being pathetic...it was almost too embarrassing for him.

Shepard sighed and then settled back into her chair that hovered silently beside him, "There's really nothing to do but wait." she looked at him, "Is the Alliance not handling this?" from the tone of her voice, she wasn't expecting much of an answer. In any case, it was obvious that there should have been exchanges of information, meetings to figure out what to do, people sent out to handle the cult. Was the Alliance still not recovered enough to decently do their job?

Well...it was to be expected, with the mass relays shot, AIs destroyed, refugees everywhere, not to mention the reaper bodies still lying around. There was a lot going on and even more to do. The body count was still rising as corpses were still being discovered and identified and with the recent chaos that had happened, there was a big problem of looting and mercenary activity. Businesses in the underworld were rapidly expanding and the slave business was picking up faster than ever because of the issue of countless orphans just waiting to be taken care of and the fact that people had nowhere to go. Obviously it was worse in politics but it wasn't something that James had paid attention to.

"They're not handling it very well." James grumbled and leaned back in his own chair as he sighed heavily, "They didn't think of it seriously as a threat. I mean come on...rebuilding a reaper and trying to bring it back to life?" he looked at her, "It sounds impossible. So the Alliance put it back on the back burner and was dealing with other stuff like the slave trading and gang turf wars." he rolled his eyes, "They didn't even tell a few people to keep an eye on them just in case. It was a complete 'hands off' situation." He only just managed to find out why the Alliance had let the cult activities to continue without doing anything and it was thanks to Scars. According to the Turian, well...it was just as he had said out loud to Shepard earlier.

"Clean up must be a pain." Shepard muttered as she thought about the situation the Alliance was in. It still wasn't an excuse for them to make a mistake like this though, "Has the Alliance figured out anything so far? I'm pretty sure they're doing what they can now." it was worth asking even though she knew the answer.

"They know as much as we do at this point." he shrugged his shoulders, "This group of pendejos really know what they're doing despite their large group. Alliance can't get past their security no matter what they do." It was a little scary to him how good they were and it was even scarier how familiar this all seemed. He just couldn't put his finger on it right now.

"Is it too much to ask to be able to retire peacefully?" Shepard grumbled, "I guess we have no choice but to wait for them to come at us." there was a frown on her face at the unfavorable choice.

"You know how it is Lola, they can't do anything without you." James grinned at her and stretched out his arms with a little groan, he hadn't gone through his reps in a while and his body was beginning to protest. He almost missed going out onto the field. Almost.

Shepard snorted, "At this rate I'll have no choice but to go on a conquest for the galaxy and run things myself."

"I'm down." James laughed and looked at her, "I'm sure that the pilot would be down too, in fact I'm sure that he'd even make banners and shit."

They exchanged looks and then shared a laugh.

Silence once more.

James couldn't help but to steal little glances at Shepard. Now that he was somewhat used to the situation, he was beginning to become hyper aware of Lola's physical condition. She had not used her left arm once and although her legs and feet moved, she had not made a move to get up. It also seemed like she was purposely not moving her head around too much, like she was suffering from a chronic headache or dizziness...or maybe he was just thinking too much.

Suddenly Shepard laughed, "You could be a bit less obvious about staring at me you know." she teased him lightly and she smiled at him as if it was alright with her. In truth, she was self-conscious and awkward but she didn't want to let him know. After all, she had her pride if nothing else.

"Sorry." James looked down at his hands a bit sheepishly.

He almost didn't know what to do with himself right now.

In his mind, he knew the Shepard...the Lola before being separated from her. There was no doubt they had both changed, even if the time apart was relatively shorter than they had each anticipated.

Neither of them were the same person they had been at the moment they separated and no one could know exactly how and in what ways they had changed.

They had each gone through something that no one could come back from, and they were left scarred and damaged in more ways than one. How were they supposed to interact with this unfamiliar person? The Lola right in front of him was no doubt different from the Lola that had existed before.

It was awkward.

Shepard absently traced a pattern on her chair's armchair with her right hand. It still felt strange being in the same room as James. This wasn't how she wanted to meet him again...that is, if she ever decided to willingly reveal her existence to him. In retrospect, she wouldn't have told anyone that she survived, but her situation didn't allow it and she was dragged out into the open. Seriously...was it too much to ask to retire quietly?

And then there was her...'condition' to talk about...she knew that no one would press her for an answer and that was the wonderful thing about her friends. She didn't owe anyone an explanation and everyone knew that, but the discrete glances and the silent moment that occurred whenever someone laid eyes on her would be loud enough for her.

A sigh escaped her and she prepared herself as she looked up slowly at James, who sensed that she was about to talk sat up and waited for her to begin. He didn't know what she was going to say but he could tell that it was important.

"After the Citadel...exploded." she managed a small smile after her hesitant beginning, "The Salarians found me half buried and half dead." Shepard blinked slowly as she remembered the past events, "They said it was practically a miracle that I survived."

James snorted at that, if there was anything more amazing about Shepard than her skills as a commander, it was her luck when it came to surviving.

"There was a buildup of toxins and I suffered moderate brain damage." she gauged James' reaction carefully, "I can't...I'm not like I used to be." her voice was quiet but she didn't look away from James, "I can't do the things that I used to." she almost dared him to pity her, almost dared him to say the words she hated the most 'I'm sorry', but she bit her tongue and swallowed the harsh words, "I'm only breathing properly because of an implant, my balance is jacked up, and I can't use my left arm." she willed herself to raise it up and show him the uncontrollable tremors that plagued it and then let the limb drop to her side.

His face was unreadable...no, it was more like expressionless. This one time Shepard had no idea what he could possibly be thinking and it gave her an uncomfortable feeling, not because she didn't know what he was thinking, but because it reminded her of how much he had changed. When she had first laid eyes on him, she had noticed how defeated he looked. His eyes held shadows that would never go away and his body seemed to be protesting with every movement he made. It was more than that though, his countenance had changed and instead of the confident soldier she first met when she had been grounded, there was now just an outline of the person he had been. He had the look of a man who had lived too long and had seen too much.

Shepard was about to look away when she felt a rough hand cup the side of her face forcing her to keep her gaze on James, "Lola." his voice was hoarse and full of emotion.

It was all he said but she knew what he meant. It was as if the earth had suddenly moved around James and Shepard to close the rift they had imagined to be between them.

She reached up and let her own hand rest atop James' hand and held it there, "Yeah." her voice came out as a whisper and wavered slightly. Her eyes burned with sudden unshed tears but she smiled at him despite the strain in her throat.

They could hardly take a breath. They could hardly move. It felt like they were stuck in that moment and wandering around in each others' presence. Unwilling to come out of it.

"Me too." Shepard's voice cracked this time but the tears never came.

-.-.-.

***reviews are welcomeeeeeee and** thank you so much** for those of you who have left reviews previously. I do appreciate each and every one of them. **3**

I also suspect that there will be around 2 or 3 more chapters left depending on how things go, just an FYI for anyone who wanted to know.

(any grammar/spelling mistakes will be corrected at a later date when this whole story is finished).


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